Lesson 7 — Sibling Rivalry

Teaching Guide

  1. Lesson Materials

    1. Teaching guide: Sibling Rivalry

    2. Handout: Growing Up with Brothers and Sisters

  2. Preparation for the Lesson

    1. Read the handout before presenting the lesson, perhaps marking or highlighting what you think are the most important points to stress.

    2. Distribute the handout a week or so before the lesson and ask clients to read it in advance (if possible and if it seems appropriate for the client).

  3. Suggested Lesson Outline

    4. Following are some ideas for discussion and activities. In a limited time, you will probably be able to do only one (or part of one) of the activities. Select the ones that you believe will lead to a point you want to stress, that you are comfortable with, and that you believe will interest your clients.

    1. Sharing experiences

      1. Ask the parents to think back to their own childhood. If they had brothers or sisters, ask them to think about what led to conflicts with them. Also ask what did and did not work well, on their parents' part, to handle the disagreements and squabbling.

      2. Ask: Are there any lessons here for handling conflict between your children?

      3. Ask: What seems to cause or lead to conflicts between your children? Under what conditions does fighting seem especially to occur?

      4. What ways of handling conflict don't work?

    2. Review the handout

      1. If the parents have read the handout in advance, ask them what suggestions in the handout might work.

      2. If the parents have not read the handout, review some of the ideas in the handout for preventing and handling sibling rivalry and fighting.

      3. Ask them which ones might work with their children and talk over exactly how to apply the idea.

    3. Benefits of sibling rivalry

      Ask the parents if there are benefits or values to sibling conflict and squabbles.

    4. Sibling cooperation

      Ask the parents to think of instances of unusual or surprising cooperation, support, or affection between their children. When did this happen? Why? Ask: Did you let them know you were pleased?

    5. Books on sibling rivalry

      1. A list of children's books about siblings and sibling relationships is included in the references section below. Perhaps you could borrow some books from the library. Or you could encourage (and assist) the parents to do this.

      2. Suggest that the parents read one or more of these books to their children.

      3. School-age children might be urged to read such books on their own.

      4. If appropriate, you could read such a book to the parent and child together (read it to the child, but be aware that it is also for the parent's benefit).

      5. Following the reading, some discussion could ensue about teamwork, cooperation, getting along with others, etc.

    6. Activity: Comparisons

      1. Tell parents: One way to help prevent (or at least to reduce) conflicts between siblings is to be careful never to compare the children. Comparison only encourages rivalry. Comparisons are hurtful because somebody always comes out the loser.

      2. Here are four instances in which a parent compared brothers and sisters. Ask what effect the comparison might have and what could have been said instead.

Exercise: Avoiding Comparisons
(1) Nine-year-old Jimmy is late getting home after school and his piano teacher is waiting.

What parent says What child may feel What parent could say

"How come your brother manages to get home on time for his music lessons and you never do?" "I hate that goody-goody. I'll get him later." "You're late. You piano teacher is waiting."
(2) Father observes ten-year-old doing homework.

What parent says What child may feel What parent could say

"You're terrific! I wish your brother had your study habits. He can't concentrate for more than a minute." May feel pleased at recognition. Also may feel: "I'm not that good. I feel sorry for my brother." "You've been studying those math tables for the past half hour. That's great!"
(3) Mother is working on hem of daughter's dress. Daughter is impatient.

What parent says What child may feel What parent could say

"Don't you dare call me slow. Well, at least your sister appreciates what I do for her." "Everything I do is wrong. Everything she does is right." "It's hard for me to be helpful when I'm being criticized."
(4) Four- or five-year-old child has put her toys in the toy box.

What parent says What child may feel What parent could say

"You're a big girl. You don't leave your things lying around like the baby does." "I'm better than the baby." "I see you picked up your blocks and your truck. And you even put away your puzzle." (Then child may feel: "I'm a good cleaner-upper.")

  1. Follow-up/Homework

    1. Ask the parents to set a goal concerning sibling rivalry—an idea, strategy, or tactic that they will try in the next couple of weeks (perhaps from the handout, "Growing Up with Brothers and Sisters"). If they and you are comfortable with this, you might have them share their goal with you—in oral or written form. (This could be a good basis for evaluating the lesson.)

    2. Whether or not they share their goal with you at lesson's end, check back with them in two or three weeks about how they did with their goal.

  2. Application to Nutrition Lessons

    3. This material can be applied to any situation involving food or nutrition where sibling differences or squabbling occur—table behavior, food dislikes, eating habits and problems. Regarding these, you could ask the parent to apply any of the suggestions offered in the lesson.

  3. References

    4. For parents or teacher:

    Abbott, Judy. "My Get-Along Gang." Parents, April 1989.

    Barko, Naomi. "Give Peace a Chance." Working Mother, June 1990, pp. 62- 66.

    Berg, Elizabeth. "The Joys of Sibling Rivalry." Parents, June 1991, pp. 42-44.

    Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. "The Perils of Comparisons." Parents, May 1987, pp. 82-86.

    Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too. Norton, 1987.

    Fleming, Don. How to Stop the Battles With Your Child. Prentice-Hall, 1987.

    LaFarge, Phyllis. "The Secret Life of Siblings." Parents, February 1989, pp. 106ff.

    Rubin, Nancy. "Kids' Fights." Parents, March 1988, pp. 96ff.

    Books for children about siblings:

    A Baby for Max by Maxwell Knight

    A Baby Sister for Frances by Russell Hoban

    A Baby Sister for Herry by E. Kingsley

    Big Brother by Charlotte Zolotow

    Big Sister, Little Sister by Charlotte Zolotow

    Do You Know What I'll Do? by Charlotte Zolotow

    Go and Hush the Baby by Betsy Byars

    I Love My Baby Sister (Most of the Time) by Elaine Edelman

    Nobody Asked if I Wanted a Baby Sister by Martha Alexander

    That New Baby by Sara Bonnett Stein

    The New Baby by Fred Rogers

    Let Me Tell You About My Baby by Roslyn Banish

    Walk Home Tired, Billy Jenkins by Ianthe Thomas



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