There are three broad ways to deal with child misbehavior. We can manage the environment and relate to the child in such a way that misbehavior is less likely to occur—prevent misbehavior. Or we can use guidance principles to deal with children in the midst of misbehaviors. Or we can punish children after the misbehavior has occurred.
It is easier on the parent and the child to keep misbehavior from happening than to deal with it afterward.
Many behavior problems are really the parents' problems. If you find yourself continually facing misbehavior, STOP and LOOK closely at your own behavior. Ask yourself:
You need to plan ahead to prevent behavior problems. It is hard work, but the results are worth it.
Here are some suggestions for preventing behavior problems. Try them and see if they work for you. See if you and your child enjoy each other more.
Give each suggestion a two-week trial period. It may take that long to see results.
Try only one new technique at a time. Changing the way you treat your child is hard to do. It takes time to form new habits. Once you have the habit, though, it will seem natural to you.
Whenever possible, give children a choice between two acceptable behaviors. For example, say, "Randy, it really disturbs me when you run in the house. You can either play with your cars or go outside and play." Giving a choice lets the child learn to make decisions.
You aren't really giving a choice when you offer two undesirable choices. For example, Rick is beating his drum and mother says, "Rick, you can either stop that or you won't get your allowance this week!" Rick wouldn't like either of those choices.
If you don't want to let the child make a decision, then don't offer a choice. You'll just get yourself in trouble. For example, suppose the temperature is 32 degrees outside, Erin is going out to play, and you say, "Erin, don't you want to put your coat on? It is real cold outside!" What are you going to do if she says, "No"? You will get better results if you say, "Put your coat on before you go outside." Then, if she says "No," you can tell her that she cannot go outside unless she puts her coat on.
Giving choices is one way to prevent misbehavior and, at the same time, help your child learn to make decisions.
Call the child's name and get her attention before giving orders or instructions. For example, say, "Clare," and wait until she looks at you, and then say, "Please wash your hands for lunch now." Sometimes you may need to go to Clare and place your hand on her shoulder to get her attention.
Many times children are accused of being rude and "not minding" when they really haven't heard what their parents asked them to do.
Children can pay attention to only one thing at a time. Their minds don't work like mother's, who can fry potatoes, talk to Linda, and think about what she is going to wear to church at the same time. If children are involved in their play, it takes time for them to shift their attention to parents.
Give children a 5- to 10-minute warning before you expect them to do something, such as come to dinner, take a nap, or go shopping with you. For example, Patrick is playing outside. Say, "You need to come inside soon. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes." If possible, allow him to finish what he is doing. Patrick doesn't like to be interrupted when he is busy catching lightning bugs any more than you like to be interrupted when you are reading the paper or cooking dinner.
Children are more likely to respond to your requests agreeably when you give them a warning time than when you say, "Right now!" "This minute!" "Quick!" Children don't understand what the hurry is all about. They don't have the same sense of time you do.
Children hunger for attention and recognition. So give them attention—for good behavior. When your children are behaving nicely or being cooperative, make it a point to show your awareness and appreciation. If they receive attention for good behavior, they won't need to misbehave for attention. "Catch your child being good" is a powerful preventive.
Each child needs time alone with his parents regularly. He needs time when he receives mother's or father's undivided attention—when they aren't watching TV or reading the paper or being distracted by other youngsters in the family.
Busy parents may find this difficult, but even five minutes is better than none at all. Mother may choose 15 minutes before bedtime or after the evening meal. Father may choose an hour on Saturday or a short time each evening.
These times may be spent doing something together that you both enjoy, such as playing "catch," talking, reading a favorite story, playing a game, or making cookies.
Spending time regularly with your children lets them know that they are important to you. It builds closeness and helps you learn to communicate with each other. Children who receive parents' regular, undivided attention do not find it necessary to misbehave to get that attention.
Ronald L. Pitzer
Extension Family Sociologist