A young mother was trying to do some baking while her children
took their afternoon naps. But the children woke up right in the middle of the
baking project. The mother's reaction? She scolded the children and told them
they could have no cookies just because they got up too soon. Apparently, this
mother expected her children to sleep as long as it suited her convenience, to
know when not to interfere with mother's activities.
Do young parents expect too much too soon, especially from their first children? And do parents expect too much of themselves as well as their children?
Let's examine some of the times when you might be expecting too much of your children and of yourself.
Do you take into account the actual hours you spend each day caring for your children? Most parents plan their days almost as though their children did not exist. Then, at the end of the day, they are discouraged because they did not accomplish all they planned.
Just stop and consider the hours you spend feeding, dressing, and cleaning up after your children. One study reported that mothers whose youngest child was one year old or younger spent two hours a day on their children's physical care, and mothers whose youngest child was two to five years old spent one hour a day.
Note that these hours were required for physical care only—they did not include hours spent playing with or reading to children. Face the fact that you must set aside a certain number of hours each day just for your children's physical needs—it will help you plan realistically what you can do in one day.
Also, you must plan your time at home with plenty of leeway for interruptions. You cannot expect your children to take long naps every day or always be content to play by themselves, so learn to accept interruptions as part of a normal day.
Children's development can be classified in four general areas: social, physical, emotional, and mental. Each child learns and develops in these areas at different times and at different rates. So don't expect your child's development ever to be exactly like that of other children of the same age.
Young children are not good at keeping quiet or sitting still for very long at a time. Since little children do not realize how much noise they're making, it helps if adults can learn to shut their minds to some noise. This does not mean that children should be allowed to take over the household and bombard you with constant noise. Realize they must be active and will be noisy at times. Alternate this with attractive quiet ideas.
Children need plenty of activity to work off their great quantities of energy. A chance to climb or run out of doors allows them to let off steam and use up some of their energy. Some kind of vigorous activity each day is an aid in developing children's muscles, and it makes them feel good, too.
Children have to learn to share. They gradually grow from the early "I," "me," and "mine" stage to the more grownup "we," "us," and "our" stage. Learning to think in terms of others is something that children usually begin when they are about four.
To help them learn to share: share with your children, encourage them to share with you and others, show approval for others' sharing, show approval for your own children's sharing (even if it's done only in small steps). But don't expect too much and don't force it.
Even calm and outgoing toddlers develop anxiety about separation and about strangers. This is a sign of attachment to you and is normal at young ages. Introduce your child to strange children, adults, and situations gradually. Assure the child of his safety and well-being. Acknowledge and accept the child's feelings of anxiety and fear. Stress that you will return and be sure you are prompt.
Children will accept new adults more easily if they have good relations with their own family. Frequent opportunities to play with children other than their brothers and sisters during their early months and years can also help children learn to meet strangers. Attending child care or a play school several mornings a week or making a trip to a neighbor's home for a morning can be important experiences in your children's social development.
Some parents stress clean clothes, clean hands, and a clean house beyond the point that is comfortable for a child. Your child cannot understand degrees of dirtiness and does not realize the work involved in doing the laundry. So your warning "Don't get dirty now" may fall on deaf ears. You can reduce the frustrations of trying to keep your children clean by buying clothes that launder easily and by dressing them suitably and comfortably.
Some parents restrict their children's activities to save wear and tear on expensive furnishings. Having many valuable possessions in your home may affect what you expect of your child. So try to keep the needs of preschool children in mind when you select furnishings.
Parents are often inconsistent in their feelings about their child's physical and emotional development. When a child outgrows her clothing, a parent may express dismay that the child is growing so fast that she is no longer the parent's little baby. But, on the other hand, this same parent may expect the child to exhibit grown up emotional behavior.
Or a parent may tell a child who cries after receiving a bump, "Don't cry; only babies cry." But a more reasonable parental action would be to comfort the child without much fuss. Children eventually learn to handle themselves physically and emotionally.
Young children are beginners. They will make mistakes and forget instructions. Try to teach them how to behave but don't worry and don't overreact if they don't learn right away. They will. It's not that they don't want to be good; it's just that they can't control their impulses.
Young children are still feeling their way through life with an incomplete collection of resources. They depend heavily on love. Don't be harsh, don't be punishing, don't expose them to rejection. Homes should be warm, tender, affectionate, and accepting.
It is easy to believe that if children can talk they also can understand. But, as in other areas of development, mental growth takes a long time. And the rate of mental growth varies from child to child. Children really have two sets of words—one set that they only say and another that they understand. Your children come to understand what words mean through specific experience with them.
Your child may say "What's that?" You may reply, "A toaster." But it isn't until he can put a slice of bread in the toaster, see the bread become warm and brown, see butter melt on it, and savor the good taste, that he understands what a toaster is.
Teaching a child to understand time requires a lot of patience. You may be wrapped up in a television program when your child asks for a drink. If your "Just a minute" stretches into several minutes, your child will become impatient and will also misunderstand the meaning of a minute. Children's limited understanding of the passing of time is one of the reasons they find it difficult to put off pleasures. You can help your child learn new words by speaking clearly and distinctly and by listening carefully when she talks to you. When you speak to your child, speak simply and directly. For example, "Dress now, play later" is much more meaningful to a small child than "Stop fooling around and spending so much time getting into your clothes."
The tone of your voice can also tell your child what you expect in most situations.
Try to be understanding and fair about what you expect of your children.
Ronald L. Pitzer
Extension Family Sociologist