Children want and need to know their limits. When you give children clear limits, they quickly learn the "rules of the game." Clear limits tell children exactly what is expected of them. This helps them take responsibility for their own actions.Children want and need to know their limits. When you give children clear limits, they quickly learn the "rules of the game." Clear limits tell children exactly what is expected of them. This helps them take responsibility for their own actions.
If a father tells his grade-schooler, "Every night, right after supper, you are to take the garbage and put it in the trash can outside," his child knows exactly what to do. In contrast, "Clean everything up after supper" is vague. The child doesn't really know what is expected. Don't blame a child for failing to do something that you did not explain clearly in the first place. A limit should tell a child what is expected, when, and how well. Decide exactly what you want your children to do before giving them directions. Tell them in simple words what you want. Keep in mind that young children cannot remember a long list of directions.
Children will learn the limits better if parents emphasize the positive. Parents should tell a child what to do rather than only what not to do. A child who hears her mother say, "Kara, play in the yard, not in the street!," has an understanding of her limits and opportunities. If her mother had said only, "Don't go in the street!" the child would not have had as clear an idea of what to do. Or a parent might say, "There are many breakable things in this store so please walk carefully and keep your hands to yourself." This is more pleasant and more helpful than, "Don't break anything."
If our speech is loaded with negative words (no, don't, stop it, quit that, cut it out, shut up), our children may decide we are not very interesting to listen to and just tune us out. When children hear many negative words, the meaning of those words is weakened. This may lead to times when we really need a child to hear and obey us, but, like the people in the story of the boy who cried "wolf" too often, the child ignores or disobeys us.
As an example: suppose a 2½-year-old hears "don't touch the cup, don't touch the coffee table, don't touch the flowers, don't touch the dress, don't fool with the radio, don't go near the stove." She may decide that it is dangerous to touch anything and so become passive and uninterested in exploring and learning. Or she may decide that adults just say "no" and that the way to deal with them is to touch as many things as you can before they get really mad. But, at age 2½, she does not know that the "no" about the cup full of steaming coffee and the "no" about the hot stove are more important than the "no" about the flowers and must be obeyed. If her parents restrict their use of strong negative words to situations of great importance, she is more likely to hear and respect the words they use.
Setting positive limits is especially important for helping children deal with their emotions. When children become angry and act destructively, parents are likely to think first of negative limits: "Don't talk to me like that!" "Don't hit your brother!" Don't throw things!" But what do we want or expect them to do? How can we help them deal with anger? In addition to the "Don'ts" above, a parent might also say, "When you get angry, tell me how you feel—say you're angry!" This limit clearly tells children one way they might deal with their anger.
So, examine your limits. Are they clear—will your child understand what is expected? Are they positive—will your child know what to do as well as what not to do?
Ronald L. Pitzer
Extension Family Sociologist
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