Handout – Temper Tantrums

An angry child is not a pretty sight. Indeed, a temper tantrum—with howling, stamping, screaming, and kicking may be almost frightening to an observer. Yet an occasional tantrum is perfectly normal during the preschool years. These outbursts are more a matter of immaturity than naughtiness. As a parent or caregiver you need to know how to handle temper tantrums when they occur and how to prevent future tantrums.

Handling Tantrums

Ultimately, children need to talk about their feelings of anger rather than lashing out verbally or physically. But when the first tantrums hit, somewhere around the two-year mark, children don't yet know the words to describe their emotions. So they act them out instead. Your goal in handling a tantrum is to let the child know that this behavior will get him or her absolutely nowhere. It is best to handle it without anger and without submission.

• Remain calm. It helps if you remind yourself that a tantrum is a natural and not a "bad" reaction to frustration and anger. Go about your affairs and wait for the storm to pass.

• Don't show anger or disgust. Your child is already going through quite an ordeal. Don't make it worse.

• Don't give in. Don't let her do or get whatever caused the tantrum. Placating your child or giving in only reinforces the behavior.

• Don't try to reason with the child during the outburst. Your child is a boiling sea of emotions and is in no frame of mind to listen to logic or reason.

• Don't threaten punishment. Saying something like, "Stop it or I'll really give you something to cry about," is like putting out a fire by pouring gasoline on it.

• Do name the child's emotion. When a child gets angry and loses control, say something like, "I know you're really mad now." Such a simple acknowledgment teaches kids to communicate what they are feeling and lets them know the anger is not bad. They just need to learn better ways to express it.

• Let the tantrum run its course. Find a way to ignore it that suits you best. For example, some parents can just stand by and say nothing. Others may say something like, "I know you're angry, but you'll need to go to your room to finish crying." Others may simply say firmly, "Go to your room to cool down."

• Prevent physical harm. Don't let the child attack you or anyone else or hurt himself or destroy his or others' property. If this is likely, hold him firmly but as gently as possible until he settles down. This type of hugging not only protects the child and others, it lets him know that he is loved and cared about and that getting mad will not turn his parents' hearts to stone.

• Remember that your child is not an enemy. Rather, she needs your help in learning mature ways of behaving. She needs to know that when she has lost control, you are there for her and will help her regain it. If you respond to her outburst with yelling or spanking, you lose the opportunity to model how to deal with upsetting feelings.

When the tantrum is over and the child calms down, it is time to begin rebuilding. Wash the child's face and offer a drink of water or juice. Reaffirm that there is nothing wrong or bad about feeling angry. Then discuss what caused the outburst and how to resolve that specific issue. Once parents and children have gotten to the root of the problem, they can brainstorm together ways to express anger more productively in the future.

If your child has a tantrum in front of relatives, friends, or at the supermarket—in other words, with an audience who may be judging you—handling a tantrum may seem harder for you. But try to think about your priorities. Are you raising your child to please your neighbors or to help the child be happy and emotionally healthy? Regardless of your "audience," use the same basic techniques outlined above. Pick the child up, take him or her to as secluded a spot as possible, and simply stay with the child until the tantrum subsides.

Preventing Tantrums

Even more important than handling a tantrum is finding out what caused it so that you can try to avoid the circumstances that might trigger another outburst. Temper tantrums most often occur when a child is tired or frustrated. Consider whether you can reduce the demands on the child. If a child appears tense, a little extra attention may prevent an eventual angry outburst. Prepare your child in advance for changes in activity. Explain why a play schedule must be interrupted or why a request is being denied. Try to keep the child's environment calm and not overly competitive.

Ronald L. Pitzer
Extension Family Sociologist

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