When Parents Don't Say No

The Home Visitor's Roles in the Discipline of
Participants' Children

Circumstances, Expectations, and Perceptions

1. Is the child's presence optional or necessary?

   1. Do you want the children there?
      Why or why not?

   2. Do the children have to be there?

   3. If you want them there or if they have to be there, then view them as a part of the doings. Plan the program or event taking them into account. Do not view them as an annoyance, barrier, or distraction.

   4. Can child care be provided—as a service, not an expense? (A very small fee might psychologically be good.)

2. Think through your expectations regarding children's behavior.

   1. What do undisciplined and disciplined mean to you?

   2. Is this child undisciplined, differently disciplined, or simply reacting to a new or uncertain circumstance?

   3. Lay out for yourself in specific, behavioral terms what you want or expect the children in a home visit or group meeting to do and not do. What are your goals or expectations for the child and the parent?

   4. Remember: To behave appropriately, a child:
      1. must clearly understand what is expected of him.
      2. must be able to do it.
      3. must have violations enforced—promptly, consistently, firmly, gently.

   5. Be reasonable and realistic about your expectations (see next section, "Understanding Young Children: A Brush-Up on Basics").

   6. Take care not to blame the young child. She is not inherently evil. Neither you nor the parent should take the actions personally. If the child is unruly, obnoxious, or undisciplined, she does not understand the situation or what is expected OR is unable to behave appropriately.

3. You and the situation (home visit or group meeting) represent a change. This is stressful to the child. The child or parent may not know the "rules" or how to behave in the situation. So the child must test. He also is curious, wants attention, wants to participate.

You Must Take Control

1. TV, radio, stereo off (or at least down)

   If, as a last resort, you must use TV, radio, or stereo to occupy the child, provide something else (related to your lesson) for a short time at the beginning and end of session, and make it as non-distracting to you and the parent as possible.

2. Controlling the children

   1. Talk over this issue with parents in advance and establish a contract regarding how it will be handled.

   2. Remember and review a few basics about reasonable and realistic expectations of young children.

      1. Brainstorm with the parent or group of parents.

      2. Perhaps review a list such as "Understanding Young Children: A Brush-Up on Basics."

   3. Offer your proposal regarding limits, enforcement of limits, consequences of misbehavior, and control of misbehavior.

   4. Ask for the parents' reactions, suggestions, and support.

   5. Request that the parents, together with you, privately review the efforts of the parent, yourself, and others to discipline, communicate, or nurture. Among the questions to review with the parents:

      1. What do you believe are the reasons or motives for the child's behavior and misbehavior?

      2. What were you trying to accomplish? Try to get them to identify and express their desired outcomes for children—in terms of short-term behaviors and long-term development. Realize that parents' attitudes will differ somewhat from parent to parent and culture to culture—but perhaps not as much as many people believe.

      3. What did you do?

         1. Why?
         2. Did it work?
         3. Why or why not?
         4. What were the immediate or short-term consequences?
         5. What might be the long-term consequences?

      4. What might be some alternatives? What might be the advantages and disadvantages of each? What would be needed to try that in the future?

      5. Over time, see if they can identify some effective principles and practices for child nurturance and discipline. Ask them to think about and explain how they get their children to do:

         1. What the parent wants them to do.
         2. What they should do.
         3. What is best for them.

   6. Model good ways of communicating with, nurturing, guiding, teaching, and disciplining children.

   7. Prevent misbehavior by involving children.

      1. Spend a few minutes up front attending to and involving children:

         1. Read to the child.
         2. Do a parent-child activity.
         3. Talk with and show interest in the child.
         4. Be sure to know and use the child's name.

      2. Allow the child to continue to be involved if he will not be disruptive to the goals of session.

      3. OR give the child a task or activity to work on, preferably relating to the subject of the day.

      4. Insist that the child not interrupt until the agreed-upon time (within the capacity of the child's age and level of development). A timer might be used to mark the designated time.

      5. Reward the child at the end of the session:

         1. More attention.
         2. Report their activity to you and parent.
         3. Healthful snack.
         4. (Maybe) a prize—book, balloon.

   8. Deal with unruly children and interruptions.

      1. Lay down explicit and specific ground rules. You cannot just assume she knows how to behave or what is expected. Be sure the child knows, behaviorally, exactly what to do (NOT just to "be good").

      2. With young children (who have short attention spans), build into your lesson some participation (or interruption time)—perhaps at 15-minute intervals (you might use a timer to mark these).

      3. The child must not get what she wanted from the interruptions, whining, or other unacceptable behavior.

         1. No drink (etc.) until agreed-upon time. Be firm, but friendly and gentle about this.
            
            
         2. It may be O.K. to let the child join you, if he can do so without interfering with your goals.
            
            
         3. Do not reward disruptive, attention-seeking behavior.
            
            
         4. End the session if the misbehavior continues. This will work only if the parent and child want you there or want to be there (and they will want you there if you are giving them something they want). Do not act angry or self-righteous when you leave; be firm and warm. ("This doesn't seem to be working out. Shall we try again next week?")

Formal Parent Education

1. Together with the parents, identify areas that they would like to learn more about or about which they seem to need additional information, perspectives, or skills. Find out when, where, and under what circumstances they would like to obtain this knowledge.

2. Be aware of possible sources of such information or training:

   1. Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) programs.

   2. Other parent education programs—technical college; Extension; social services; churches.

   3. Counselors or consultants—social services department; mental health center; school counselor, social worker, or psychologist; pediatrician; clergyperson or parish worker; Extension educator.

   4. Written or audiovisual material—ECFE, Extension, library, churches, social services.

3. Encourage them to participate in such a program or to use such materials. Support and facilitate such efforts, at least initially.

4. Help them process and apply information or learning from any of these sources.

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