Funded by FEMA through the Minnesota Department of Human Services--Mental Health Division, in cooperation with CLIMB Theatre and the University of Minnesota Extension Service.

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, and it is an emotion of survival. Anger is a common way to deal with what doesn't make sense, and when we are under great stress, anger allows us to feel less pain. When some people are angry, they yell, swear, or hurt other people or themselves. Other people try to ignore their anger, pretend it is not there, hold it in. But anger almost always comes out, sometimes in ways that hurt others.

To keep anger from becoming hurtful, you must learn how to manage anger.

You can manage your anger by:

• Changing how you see things
• Saying how you feel, why, and what you want
• Calming down

CHANGE HOW YOU SEE THINGS

Changing how you see things means changing your perception of other people's behavior. People often become angry because they jump to conclusions about others and assume the worst about other people's motives and behavior. Take, for example, the angry man in the video. What made him madder: the other driver's behavior ("He's driving too close to me") or his perception of the other driver's behavior ("He drives a big car; he has money; he thinks he's better than me.")?

We often perceive people's actions are meant to "get us." When was the last time you got angry because you thought someone deliberately did something rude or inconsiderate? Perhaps they cut in front of you in a line or passed too close in their car. You may perceive their behavior as an intentional decision to do you wrong. But there might be other explanations. Perhaps a person cutting in front of you really didn't see you in line.

Activity: Read the following situation to see how perception influences our reaction to other people. Answer the questions at the end. Discuss your answers with your group or family.

Mary got mad at Elaine because Elaine passed her in the aisle in the grocery store and didn't say hello. "She thinks she's too good to say hello to me," Mary thinks.

What did Elaine's behavior mean to Mary? Instead of assuming the worst, that Elaine was snubbing her, what else could Mary have assumed? (One example: that Elaine didn't see her). If Mary's perception of Elaine's behavior was not that Elaine was snubbing her, but that Elaine didn't see her, how would that change whether Mary got angry?

Activity: Think about a time you became angry with someone. What was the behavior you became angry about? What did you perceive the behavior meant? For example, did you think: "He thinks he's better than me?" What motives did you assume the other person had in doing what she did? Think about that same situation. Knowing that you can manage your anger by changing how you see things, how could you change your perception in that situation so you wouldn't become angry?

Activity: The purpose of this activity is to practice checking out a common perception that people are harming us "on purpose" by having family members ask: "Did you do that on purpose?" Have each family member think of the last time they got angry with another family member because of something they were sure that person did on purpose to hurt or bother them. Once every person has thought of an incident, have them describe the incident and ask the other person: "Did you do that on purpose?" If the other person says "No," the response can simply be OK. If the other person says "Yes", the person who thought of the incident can simply state why they didn't like what the person did. (The tendency in this exercise may be to create an argument and family members may say things like :"Yes you did do it on purpose," or "I did it on purpose because you deserved it." If you feel your family members will not be able to do this exercise without starting arguments, save this activity for a time when you see they are better able to handle it.)

The next time you become angry, stop and think: What am I angry about? The behavior? Or what I think it means? If you find you are angry about what you think the behavior means, try changing your perception of the behavior and see if that alters the intensity or duration of your anger.

Activity: Giving people the benefit of the doubt when they do something that you could very easily perceive as someone "out to get you" is a very generous thing to do. Being generous becomes easier with practice and can make your whole life more enjoyable. The next time someone does something that you would usually perceive as "out to get you," think of two very generous motives for that person's behavior, and notice how it alters your perception of a situation. For example, if someone pulls ahead of you at a four-way stop, one generous thought might be to decide they are student drivers on their first day and they don't know the order for proceeding at a stop sign. Another generous thought might be that they are rushing home to drive a pregnant woman who is about to give birth to the hospital. This activity may seem a little silly at first, but the more you practice it, the more you see how you can manage your anger, and even your mood, by changing how you see things.

SAY HOW YOU FEEL, WHY,
AND WHAT YOU WANT

Saying how you feel, why, and what you want to change helps you relieve tension, see your situation in a clearer light, and, often, helps you see a solution. People who talk about their feelings cope better with crises than those who do not.

When you say how you feel, do it without violence. Lots of people yell when they are angry; that's OK. But belittling other people, putting them down, insulting them, shaming them, or verbally abusing them is not OK. These are violent, destructive ways to vent your anger. They build walls between you and others. In contrast, saying how you feel without violence builds better relationships.

So talk. And then listen. If you are angry, the people you live and work with pay the price of your anger. So once you start to tell them why you are angry and what you want to change, expect them to want to talk, too. In talking and listening, focus on how to solve problems, not on blaming. A good way to start focusing on solving problems is to learn to say "I" instead of "You." This will do two things:

• Make the person you are talking to more willing to listen to you.
• Give you power over your own feelings.

If you say "I want the way we talk to each other to change," it shows you take responsibility for the way you feel. If you say "You need to change the way you talk to me," it sounds like you are accusing or putting someone on the defensive.

Activity: Change the following "You" statements to "I" statements. Describe how you feel when the behavior you want changed occurs.
Example:
"You"statement:	You don't talk to me enough.
"I"statement:	I feel distant from you when we don't talk often.
"You"statement:	You didn't make your bed, even after I told you to.
"I" statement:	I feel____________ when_____________
"You"statement:	I always have to pick up after you because you're such a lazy slob.
"I" statement:	I feel____________ when_____________
"You"statement:	You are lazy. (To change this to an "I" statement, you'll need to make up a behavior that has occurred which prompts this accusation.)
"I" statement:	I feel____________ when_____________

Be assertive
The woman in the video downplayed the problems and the anger in the family. She chose to pretend it wasn't there. This can happen when people want to confront the angry person but don't know how. Learning to speak assertively will help you express anger and frustration. Being assertive means getting what you need while recognizing the needs of others, being firm but flexible. Using "I" statements helps you do that.

Activity: This activity helps you learn to 1.) be assertive, 2.) talk without violence, 3.) work with a partner to solve problems. Think of a situation in which you became angry. Fill in the blanks in the following statement in order to communicate how you feel, why, and what you want. "I feel ____________________________ when ____________________________ because ____________________________ and I want ____________________________ ." (For example, the woman in the video says: "I feel really bad when you yell at me... because I feel like you don't respect me. I want you to stop doing that.") Give each person in the group the chance to practice completing the sentence. When everyone has had a chance to practice the statement, think of one or two other situations in which you became angry, and practice completing the statement with those situations so that you become comfortable talking assertively. Now take this one step further to practice problem solving. Work with a partner and choose one person to be a talker and one to be a listener.

If you are the talker:

• Think of a situation in which you became angry
• Have a partner take on the role of the person you are angry with
• Explain why you are angry without belittling or abusing the other person
• Say what you want to change to make the situation better
• Focus on the situation, not the people involved. Focus on now, not what has happened in the past

If you are the listener:
You'll be playing someone that the other person is mad at. When the start telling you why they're angry with you, you might feel a tendency (even though it's a role-play) to get defensive and become angry at them in return. Try to resist that tendency and follow the guidelines below to help the other person and yourself practice problem-solving through anger.

• Think about the times you have been angry and needed someone to listen. What did you need to hear from friends and family to help you deal with your anger? What could they say to make you feel better? Say those things now (See Be a Good Listener in the booklet, Coping with Loss After a Natural Disaster).
• Be supportive. Help the speaker work through his anger
• Don't give advice, nag, or tell the other person she shouldn't feel angry. Instead, help to come up with solutions you can work on together
• If emotions get too high, take a time out to cool off. Try again

Did you resolve the problem you were discussing? Why or why not? How did this activity help you to solve the problem? How did it help build a relationship with your partner?

CALM DOWN

When you are angry, it is easy to lose control and do things that you might otherwise not do. Learning to calm down when you are angry will help you learn how to deal with anger in ways that won't cause harm to yourself, your things or those of others, or your relationships. When you feel yourself starting to become angry, find a way to calm down. Remove yourself from the situation. We often talk about time-outs for children, but they work for adults, too.

Activity: Think about a situation in which you were angry and lost control. How could you calm down so that wouldn't happen again? Listed below are some things you can do to calm down. Which would you use? List three other things you might try. Count to 100 Do something physical, like walk or run Do work, like mow the lawn or wash windows Go someplace else. If you are angry at home, go to the store

Activity: Children are sometimes hard to calm down. When your child is calm, ask her: "What helps you to calm down and feel better? Is it coloring a picture? Cuddling with your favorite toy? Sitting alone in your room?" The next time your child becomes angry, suggest she do one of the activities she says helps to calm her down.

A warning for adults and children: Don't channel your anger into mock fighting, such as hitting each other with pillows or soft bats. Research shows this actually increases the likelihood of violence within the family.

Are you a
violent talker?

People often use violence without realizing it. If we grow up in a family where verbal abuse or shaming others is common, we pick up those behaviors. We may use them without realizing how painful and destructive they are. The next time you feel angry, think about what you are saying as well as how you are saying it and how it may be affecting the person you are talking to.

Activity: Make a list of the words you use against other people when you are angry. Then read the words you have written out loud. Would you want someone else to use these words against you? If you have included insulting words like stupid, ugly, lazy, fat in your list, you use violent language when you are angry. Practice using "I" statements to get out of the habit of insulting others when you are angry. (See Say How You Feel, Why, and What You Want.)

How do you express
your anger?

Children have trouble expressing their anger and frustration, just as adults do. If children always see angry parents expressing their anger through yelling or breaking things, rather than parents who can calmly manage their differences, they will not learn good coping skills. The following activities help adults and kids talk about how they feel when family members turn their anger on each other.

Activity: Children and parents can take five minutes to draw pictures of how they feel when someone is angry with them. Share the pictures and talk about your feelings, one at a time. Do you feel sad? Depressed? Angry? How do you feel when you are the recipient of someone's anger?

Activity: Parents often don't realize how frightening they are when they are angry. This activity helps parents see how the way they express anger affects their children. Ask a child to volunteer to role-play how one parent behaves when she or he is angry. Have another adult play the child who is the recipient of the anger. (This should not be the parent being role-played.) After the role play, answer these questions. (This activity can also be done with the child directing the parent's angry behavior at an imaginary person.)

For the angry parent the child is playing:

---

Were you surprised by what you saw?
How did you feel?
Is there anything you would change in your behavior?

For the adult playing the child:

---

How did you feel?
How do you think your child feels when you express your anger in a similar way?

Discuss with your family what you have learned.
How could you express your anger more positively? Now play the same roles again. This time, use the skills you have learned to:

• Calm down
• Say how you feel, why, and what you want
• Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements
• Avoid blaming

References

Reach In/Reach Out: Topics for Counseling Support Groups. Paul Bergmann, University of Minnesota Hospital and Clinic and 4-H Youth Development, Minnesota Extension Service, 1992.

Bibliography

1. Bolton, Robert. "Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict." (Ch13) In People Skills. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Spectrum Books (Prentice-Hall). 1979
2. Carmody, John. How to Handle Trouble: A Guide to Achieving Peace of Mind Doubleday. 1993
3. Gaylin, Willard. The Rage Within: Anger in Modern Life. Viking Penguin. 1989
4. Pitzer, Ronald L. Perception: A Key Variable in Family Stress Management. University of Minnesota: Minnesota Extension Service Publication HE-FS-2776. 1985 (2 pp)
5. Tavris, Carol. Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Simon and Schuster. 1983
6. Tavris, Carol. "Anger Defused." Psychology Today. November 1982
7. Weisinger, Hendrie. Dr. Weisinger's Anger Workout Book. William Morrow. 1985
8. Williams, Redford and Angela Williams. Anger Kills: How to Control the Hostility that Can Harm Your Heath. Random. 1993

CREDITS

Funded by FEMA through the Minnesota Department of Human Services--Mental Health Division, in cooperation with CLIMB Theatre and the University of Minnesota Extension Service.

Founded in 1975, CLIMB (Creative Learning Ideas for Mind and Body) is the country's premiere educational theatre and the pioneer of Instructive Theatre. CLIMB writes, produces and presents plays, classes, videotapes, and other products which empower people to examine and even change their thinking and behavior in ways that benefit themselves individually and society in general.

The Minnesota Extension Service (MES) is the outreach arm of the University of Minnesota that offers research-based information and education. It seeks to enable people to foster full development of youth, adults, families, and communities; to improve our economy, especially the food and fiber section, and to provide effective natural resource management.

Content in this booklet is based on the work of Ronald L. Pitzer, Extension Family Life Specialist, Minnesota Extension Service, University of Minnesota.

Produced by Communication and Educational Technology Services, University of Minnesota Extension.

In accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, this material is available in alternative formats upon request. Please contact your University of Minnesota Extension office or the Distribution Center at (800) 876-8636.

University of Minnesota Extension is committed to the policy that all persons shall have equal access to its programs, facilities, and employment without regard to race, color, creed, religion, national origin, sex, age, marital status, disability, public assistance status, veteran status, or sexual orientation.

Youth and Family Development Page

University of Minnesota Extension Home Page