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Talking with Children After a Disaster
This is one of a four-part series:

Funded by FEMA through the Minnesota Department of Human Services--Mental Health Division, in cooperation with CLIMB Theatre and the University of Minnesota Extension Service.


When there is a serious family problem, parents often wonder whether they should talk to their children or shield them from what is happening. The fact is, children pick up on all kinds of messages. And they take most things literally. Like the woman in the video who thought she really was going to live in the poorhouse, children take your comments-even offhand ones-seriously. That's why it is best to sit down and talk with your children. If you don't, kids come to their own conclusions about how bad things are, and usually their picture of the situation is much worse than reality.

TAKE TIME TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS

You are under a lot of stress. You may think taking time for your kids is the least of your worries, but your children need you. Parents often wait until it is convenient for them to talk to their kids, but it is actually best to talk to children when their own anxiety demands a response. A moment spent here and there giving your children a reassuring word or a hug will go a long way toward creating a sense of security.

Activity:
Think of the last time your child wanted to talk and you didn't take the time to listen. What would you have done differently to make time for them? What can you do differently in the future?

ACCEPT THEIR FEELINGS

Accept your children's feelings and concerns. This usually requires you to really listen to your child. For example, in the video the child tells her mother: "I hate my teacher." As the mother finds out, the problem isn't the teacher, it is that her daughter still feels sad about things she lost in the disaster, including the pens she needed to do her homework. This mother took the time to ask her daughter questions and to discover the real cause of her daughter's frustration.

By asking questions and listening, you give your child permission to tell you what is really wrong. When a child says: "I hate my brother," parents often say: "Oh, no you don't." Compare this response to how you talk to a spouse or a friend. If they said: "I hate my boss," you wouldn't respond by saying: "No, you don't." You would probably say: "Really? Why?" Parents can do that for children, too.

Activity:
Think of the last time your child came to you and stated a feeling that was hard to accept, like "I hate my teacher" or "I hate my brother." What did you say? What might you say differently now?

Think of the last time you stated a strong feeling like "I hate my brother" or "My spouse is a jerk; I'm leaving him/her" to a good friend. What were you really trying to communicate? How did that person respond to you that helped you say what you really wanted to communicate? Or, how did they respond to you that didn't help you say what you really wanted to communicate? How would you have wanted someone to respond? What can you learn from that incident that could help you accept your children's feelings?

When children are stressed, they may hit their siblings, kick the dog, or do other aggressive things. While you need to make it clear these are not acceptable behaviors in any circumstances, you can still accept the feelings and give your children permission to cry, yell, or get out their sadness or anger another way. You don't have to "fix" how the child feels. You can, however, help them deal with their feelings by saying: "It's OK to cry; I feel sad too," or "I'm angry too. Let's go outside and run until we're not mad anymore."

Activity:
Think of a time when you were young and an adult didn't accept your feelings. Share with your spouse or children what happened, how you felt, and what you wish had happened.

BE HONEST

Being honest in a way that helps children understand the situation, without being unrealistically optimistic or pessimistic, will help you build a strong, trusting relationship with your children. Speak to your children simply; give them just enough information to answer their questions. Being honest sometimes means admitting that you don't know the answers to everything. When you tell your child what you don't know, also tell them what you do know to reassure them.

Activity:
Think of the questions you are most afraid your children will ask you. Talk to your spouse or another adult about how you will respond when your children ask these questions.

LET CHILDREN HELP

All children can do something to help. When they do their part, they feel they are part of the solution, not the problem. When they do help, let them know you appreciate it. In addition, let your children participate in decision making whenever possible. This gives them the tools for handling problems now and later in life.

Activity:
In the video, the mother told the daughter that they would need to work together to make the girl's lunch every day, and that the child would need to get up earlier to make transportation workable. Think of three problems your family faces. Write them down. Choose one to discuss. Let everyone in the family suggest ways to solve the problem. Choose a solution in which everyone can play a part.

REASSURE CHILDREN

Children who have experienced a natural disaster worry about the future. They wonder if there will be enough money for food and clothes and whether their family will have to move. When your children ask questions about the future, try to respond in a way that is truthful and makes them feel secure. As the mother says in the video, there isn't enough money for the daughter to go to camp this summer, but the family will have enough money to buy food and clothing.

When children are stressed, they often express their feelings through actions rather than words. Often these actions are regressive or inappropriate. For example, young children may start wetting the bed. School age children might start fights on the playground. Teens may become very demanding and resentful. Some children will act inappropriately only with their peers or at school, but seem to be OK at home.

These are all normal childhood responses to stress. If your child acts differently or behaves in unacceptable ways, try to comfort and reassure her. Make the assumption that her behavior is in response to stress. Be aware of the extra attention and affection she may need during this time.

Here are some typical stress-related behaviors:

In young children:

In older children:

Activity:
Think of a recent behavior that is unusual for your child. Consider whether it could be stress-related. What is the child upset about? What could you say to your child to reassure him? Ask your child how he is feeling. Listen.
Activity:
Young children often don't articulate their feelings well. Pictures can help them explain their feelings. Ask your child to draw a picture of herself. Then ask: "Is she happy? Sad? Why is she sad or happy?"
Activity:
Think about how your children usually exhibit stress-by fighting, by withdrawing? What activities would lessen their stress? Biking? Cleaning? Being read to? Watching a favorite TV show? Can you guide them to those activities next time?

Family rituals provide a feeling of stability for children. Try to maintain as many family rituals as you can. These are not extravagant rituals; they are simply the things you make a point to do with each other. For the whole family, they may include family dinners or going to church. For younger children, they may include story time or favorite toys at bedtime. For older children, they may include watching a favorite TV show or spending an hour each night on the phone with friends. If these activities help your children feel better, encourage your children to take part in them, and help set them up for your family.

Activity:
What rituals do you have in your family? Make a list. What new ones could you initiate that might help your family? Ask your children to suggest activities they would enjoy.

Helping your
teenagers

STRESS AND DEPRESSION IN TEENAGERS

Stress and depression are serious problems for many teenagers. Young people going through upheaval may suffer mild to severe depression. Stress is characterized by feelings of tension, frustration, worry, sadness, and withdrawal that last from a few hours to a few days. Depression is both more severe and longer lasting. Depression is characterized by more extreme feelings of helplessness, sadness, isolation, worry, withdrawal, and worthlessness that last for two weeks or longer.

NOT TALKING CAN BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR TEEN'S HEALTH

Relatively few teenagers will turn first to adults for help when they experience stress or problems because adults tend to discount or underestimate the significance of young peoples' problems. All too often, children's and teens' efforts to communicate intense feelings are minimized, denied, rationalized, or ignored by adults. Most parents simply don't remember how difficult adolescence is.

When dealing with young people, remember: their problems are as big and important and as stressful to them as yours are to you. That's why they need your help in the early stages of distress, to prevent them from sinking into despair or depression. Teens may not initiate contact with an adult until they are very distressed, if at all. Reach out to teens by asking, in private, what is wrong. Say in a friendly, low-key manner: "You haven't seemed yourself lately." "You seem kind of down." "Is something bothering you?"

Don't downplay the teen's distress. Saying "Don't worry" or "Cheer up" is not helpful. Also, try not to give advice. Instead, let them know you are there to help them find solutions. Encourage teens to talk about their feelings. Then listen.

Activity:
Here is a list of questions you can discuss with your children. It might help to go around the room and let each family member respond. Or, you can discuss these issues privately with one child. Ask your child:
  • What have you lost or what do you fear losing?
  • What are you afraid of?
  • Do you feel helpless?
  • Do you find yourself expecting everything to turn out badly?
  • What can you control while you deal with the stress we are experiencing?
  • How can I help?

Your willingness to talk and to listen means a lot to your teenager. Don't be surprised if she rebuffs you at first. Be patient. Also remember, kids need physical affection. A hug, an arm around a shoulder can reassure a troubled child and let him know you really care.

Children take cues
from parents'
behavior

Children react more strongly to adults' reaction to a crisis than they do to the crisis itself. If adults can avoid needless alarm and panic, children will respond more calmly, too.

In moments of crisis, children turn to their parents for cues not only as to how they should behave but also as to how they should feel. If the parents "go to pieces" in front of their children, they confuse and alarm them. To reassure your children:

Activity:
Look at the list above. Think about how you can do those things more often. Make a list of other things you can do to reassure your children.

Helping stressed
children relax

To teach children who are feeling stressed to relax, you need to first teach them how to identify feelings of stress in their bodies. Tell them that if their hearts are pounding a lot, or their faces are hot, or they feel butterflies in their stomachs, they are probably feeling stressed. Let them know that stress is normal and help them relax by doing a quiet activity with them such as:

Activity:
When was the last time you could tell your child felt stressed? Which of the activities above would have been helpful to relax your child? Which would you choose the next time?

When they feel stressed, some children need more physical activity. Encourage them to ride a bike or run. Go with them.

Find activities that children can use to relieve tension and express themselves. Young children often express strong feelings through tearing and cutting paper, hammering nails, or pounding on clay.

Activity:
Children will sometimes let puppets, dolls, or stuffed toys express the feelings or fears they don't want to say. Parents can use this technique to draw out a child's fears. You can make a puppet out of socks or use your child's doll or stuffed toy. Take a puppet or toy yourself and give one to your child or children. Let each puppet talk about what is making him sad or upset. Using the puppets, help the children find solutions.

References

Helping Children Through the Flood, Charles A. Smith, Ph.D., Kansas State University Cooperative Extension Service.

Bibliography:

  1. Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.. Aron Books. 1982
  2. Pitzer, Ronald L. Supporting Distressed Young People. University of Minnesota: Minnesota Extension Service Publication HE-FS-2786. 1985 (2 pp)
  3. Samazija, Joanne and Judith A. Myers-Walls. Helping Children Cope with Stress. Purdue University Cooperative Extension Service. 1990
  4. Samalin, Nancy. Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma. Viking. 1991

CREDITS

Funded by FEMA through the Minnesota Department of Human Services--Mental Health Division, in cooperation with CLIMB Theatre and the University of Minnesota Extension Service.

Founded in 1975, CLIMB (Creative Learning Ideas for Mind and Body) is the country's premiere educational theatre and the pioneer of Instructive Theatre. CLIMB writes, produces and presents plays, classes, videotapes, and other products which empower people to examine and even change their thinking and behavior in ways that benefit themselves individually and society in general.

The Minnesota Extension Service (MES) is the outreach arm of the University of Minnesota that offers research-based information and education. It seeks to enable people to foster full development of youth, adults, families, and communities; to improve our economy, especially the food and fiber section, and to provide effective natural resource management.

Content in this booklet is based on the work of Ronald L. Pitzer, Extension Family Life Specialist, Minnesota Extension Service, University of Minnesota.

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Produced by Communication and Educational Technology Services, University of Minnesota Extension.

In accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, this material is available in alternative formats upon request. Please contact your University of Minnesota Extension office or the Distribution Center at (800) 876-8636.

University of Minnesota Extension is committed to the policy that all persons shall have equal access to its programs, facilities, and employment without regard to race, color, creed, religion, national origin, sex, age, marital status, disability, public assistance status, veteran status, or sexual orientation.


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