Getting Angry with Your Child

One parenting myth includes the belief that you can be a perfect parent, that parents always feel love toward their children, that children are very well behaved and always obey parents and that parents are in charge of the situation and in control. The reality is babies cry, you don't get enough sleep, toddlers say "no", kids disobey, and brothers and sisters fight. When you add in stresses of daily life, many parents feel overwhelmed, out of control, and at times, angry.

Anger is a normal reaction. It's an emotion that many parents don't know how to deal with when it comes to their children. Try these four steps to work through situations when you are angry.

Step 1 - Stop. Pause for a moment to cool off. If something happens that makes you really angry, step back, go into another room and take control of your feelings. Try counting to 10 - slowly, drink a glass of water and breathe deeply.

Step 2 - Look and listen. Read the situation quickly and try to determine what is really happening. Is your anger a reaction to your child's behavior, or is there something else bothering you such as stress, lack of sleep, or work problems?

Step 3 - Think. Form a plan. Ask yourself, does a problem exist? Whose problem is it, yours, the child's or both of yours? Determine what you want your child to learn from this. Consider different ways you could respond to the problem.

Step 4 - Act. It's important to carry out your decision.

In addition to the steps, talk with your child. Be sure to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, say "I am very upset about this." Instead of "You make me so angry - how could you have done this." Keep your words short and to the point.

Finally, try not to take everything your child says personally. You don't need to respond to everything your child says or does. When your child says something harmful, let her know how you feel and give her another way to say it.

Getting angry toward your children is a normal reaction. This four-step process is a good way to calm down, work through your anger, and solve the problem. You and your children will feel better knowing that you are in control of your emotions, and that it is okay to be angry.

For more information visit the Children, Youth and Families Education Research Network web site at www.cyfernet.org.