Coping with Abandonment
Rose M. Allen, Joanne L. Musich, and Minnell L. Tralle, Extension Educators — Family Resiliency; and Ellie M. McCann, Extension Educator — Family Resiliency
We know that children do best when they have a relationship with both of their parents, but sometimes this is not possible. When children do not have contact with their other parent, it’s important for you to assure them that:
- None of their thoughts, words, or actions caused the abandoning parent to leave.
- They are loved and cherished.
Types of Abandonment
Abandonment can happen in different ways.
Complete, Sudden Abandonment
When there is complete, sudden abandonment:
- The children have no relationship with one parent. The children may never have known the other parent, or there was a relationship in the past but the parent completely and suddenly left the children’s lives.
- The parent who left is practicing the most direct form of abandonment by walking away and refusing or ignoring attempts to have contact with the children.
When there is sporadic abandonment:
- The children have an inconsistent relationship with one parent.
- The parent who left may send an occasional card or gift, phone periodically, or drop by to visit every year or so. However, this kind of parent is mostly absent.
Gradual Abandonment Over Time
If abandonment occurs gradually, over time:
- The children experience a gradual loss of a once-close relationship with one parent.
- The parent who left tries to maintain relationships with his or her children immediately after the divorce, but reduces contact over time and eventually lets the relationships die. This often happens with a parent who moves away or remarries.
Should I tell my child abandonment is wrong?
Addressing the loss your children feel when the other parent is no longer in their lives requires care. Despite your own feelings, don’t tell your children that the other parent’s leaving was a mistake. If your child asks you if the other parent was wrong to leave, you might say that everyone makes mistakes at times and this “might be” one of those times. However, withhold your own judgment on the matter. Instead, focus on helping your children deal with any feelings of rejection or guilt they might have.
Helping your children requires acknowledging, validating, and accepting how they feel about the loss of their other parent. Do not use this issue as an excuse to tear down the other parent. Instead, find ways to help your children remember the good things about their other parent.
Take time to think through how you will handle the issue of abandonment with your children. If you feel that you and/or your children need outside help, find a professional in your area who can provide assistance.
What to Say to Your Children About Abandonment
Consider your child’s age when discussing abandonment. Here are suggested scripts for different ages:
- Children under 10: “I know you’re sad when you can’t see your mom. Sometimes adults make a bad choice because they are not happy, and then that hurts other people.”
- Children 10 and older: “I’m not able to fully understand how you feel, but I see that you are sad sometimes and angry at other times. I am always here to talk, no matter how you are feeling.”
Sometimes children blame themselves for a parent leaving and not contacting them. It's important that you assure your children that they are not to blame. Try saying something like the following: “You need to know that nothing you have done, or said, or thought, made your dad leave. He had some trouble. His problems make him forget about how great you are.”
It's also important to assure your children that they can always depend on you — and that you won’t leave. Say something like: “Sometimes I get sad or angry about everything’s that happened, too, but you need to know that no matter how I feel, I will always be here. We are a family and there are many people who love all of us.”
From Now On
Like other issues in your children’s lives, abandonment is not going to be resolved in one discussion. Be available to your children by listening and checking in with them often. Let them know that it’s safe for them to show and discuss their feelings. Watch for signs that they are feeling guilty or taking responsibility for the other parent’s choices.
As your children’s remaining parent, you have the ability to give them everything they need to become healthy and productive adults. This includes openly discussing difficult issues with your children — even if they do not bring them up. They need continuous reassurance to grow into healthy, self-sustaining adults.
Emery, R. E. (2004). The truth about children and divorce: Dealing with the emotions so you and your children can thrive. New York: Penguin Group.
Wallerstein, J. S. & Kelly, J. B. (2008). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. New York: Basic books.
Helping Children Cope — Family communication and coping skills have a great impact on how your family deals with tough times. Part of the Getting through tough times series.
Depression in Children and Adolescents — National Institute on Mental Health — There’s a chance that your child is more than “sad.” Get to know the signs of depression, treatment options, where to go for help, and more.