April 13, 2006

Remove the 'blame game' when divorcing

In her book, "Divorce without Disaster--Collaborative Law in Texas," Janet P. Brumley, has a chapter titled, "Removing the blame game from family law."

She writes that parents need to model--even if they can no longer live together-that they will always care about and want the best for the other. That gives security to children when they need it most.

The blame game is like eating salted peanuts--once you start you can't stop. Brumley also writes that each person--whether in a divorce or not--needs to be respected and treated with dignity. It costs you nothing but an investment in integrity to give that to another human being. She uses the term "investment" because that's what it is. You get something in return for treating others with dignity.

Another point Brumley makes is that the "Golden Rule" is not suspended in divorce. We treat others with respect to get respect. In divorce, facing rejection, it is difficult to be gracious, but it can be done. Bad-mouthing other people only gives permission for them to bad-mouth you back.

To divorce without disaster, parents who are true collaborators want something for their good behavior. They want more time with their children, more assets, more control and more self-respect. While working through the process of divorce, couples should want to assist each other to keep their secrets and failures private, emphasize the positives and minimize conflict.

You can learn more about the University of Minnesota Extension Service workshops, on-line courses and products on our website at www.parenting.umn.edu. For example, "Parents Forever" is a 12-hour educational program for parents going through divorce. There are also research updates for professionals.

(Jo Musich is a family relations educator with the University of Minnesota Extension Service Regional Center, Grand Rapids)

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URL: http:// www.extension.umn.edu/extensionnews/2005/Blamegame.html  This page was updated April 13, 2006 .
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