September 24, 2001

Ambiguous loss may affect both farm families, those missing loved ones

Ambiguous loss faces Minnesota farm families facing an uncertain future due to the global market and low commodity prices. It's also a problem for anyone who is missing family members, friends or co-workers in New York or Washington, D.C.

Ambiguous loss, or not knowing what might happen, is the most difficult stress to deal with, according to Pauline Boss, University of Minnesota family social scientist. She was brought to New York to help union employees who are missing friends and co-workers from the World Trade Center attack deal with uncertainty and grief.

"Without clear information and certainty, even strong people become ambivalent and can't decide what to do next," Boss says. "They don't know if the missing person will be found, so their grief and coping process is frozen. People are understandably stuck."

She has these suggestions for anyone who is missing family, friends or co-workers:

--Gather as much information as possible, and talk to others about how you feel. Keep hoping, but at the same time, it's okay to think about what to do if the missing person is never found. Denial can be a useful coping mechanism in the short term, but not in the long term.

--While it's hard to find meaning in the tragedy, keep talking with others about the stress of not knowing. Reach out to others and let them help you. Don't be a loner.

--While living with ambiguous loss, do some daily activity, even a small one, where you feel more in control.

--Honor the missing person in your own way, Boss advises, and know the situation is not your fault.

Many of us who live far away from the East Coast may have feelings of ambiguous loss, Boss says. Our sense of safety has been violated, which causes stress and grief.

Boss is the author of "Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief" (Harvard University Press, 2000, Paperback, 2000).

Specifically for farm families, Boss has also written a University of Minnesota Extension Service publication entitled "Losing a Way of Life? Ambiguous Loss in Farm Families."

"Farming has always been about ambiguity from outside forces like the weather, insects, diseases and the market," Boss says. "But today the force of a global market has catapulted farming into a global enterprise."

"The worldwide competition today outweighs even those uncertainties of weather and pestilence that have historically created trouble for family farmers," she says. "For centuries farmers have overcome those uncertainties, but the new global market becomes for many small farmers the straw that breaks their back. This new giant may be too much to overcome in spite of hard work and absolute devotion to the land."

"Not knowing can freeze you in place. Ambiguity causes depression and prevents you from making decisions," Boss says. "Ambiguity can immobilize even the strongest man or woman, but it doesn't have to."

The 16-page discussion guide for farm families and those who work with them is available for purchase from county offices of the University of Minnesota Extension Service. Ask for item BU-07614. It's also available for purchase by e-mail at order@extension.umn.edu, or by credit card at (612) 624-4900 or (800) 876-8636. The cost is $4 plus shipping and handling charges.

Web, V2, V4, A2, A4 boss9201

Source:  Pauline Boss (612) 625-0291
Writer:   Jack Sperbeck (612) 625-1794, sperb001@umn.edu

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URL: http:// www.extension.umn.edu/extensionnews/2001/AmbiguousLossMayAffectBothFarm.html  This page was updated May 21, 2002 .
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