May 26, 1999
"Here, but not here." In simplest terms that is the essence of University of Minnesota family stress researcher Pauline Boss's "theory of 'ambiguous loss". Examples: a parent with Alzheimer's, an alcoholic spouse, a missing soldier, a long-lost child. The common thread?
There are two basic kinds of ambiguous loss identified by Boss in her 25 years of work as a researcher and family therapist. In one, friends perceive an individual or family member as physically absent but psychologically present. This is because it is unclear whether their missing loved one is dead or alive -- as in the case of a MIA soldier, an abducted or run-away child, or a displaced refugee or immigrant separated from family.
When someone is missing there is no proof of death, no funeral, minimal public grieving, and no closure. The unknown is the ambiguity, and the result is high stress. "Ambiguous loss is the most stressful loss people can face," Boss says.
The other ambiguous loss is a person who is present in body, but not mind. This condition is illustrated by coping with a family member who has Alzheimer's disease, chronic mental illness such as depression, or a chemical or psychological addiction.
Addictions aren't as rare as one may think. Alcohol and drugs jump to mind, but chronic gamblers, workaholics, or screen addicts -- people totally absorbed by TV, video or the Internet - - do not contribute much to family life. The ambiguous loss occurs when the person no longer participates in routine talk, decision-making, chores or other basic responsibilities. Stress grows as the family works around the "absent" individual. Whether the loss is physical or psychological, "people and families become frozen and their lives grind to a near-halt, because they cannot properly mourn someone who is not completely gone," Boss explains. She has developed strategies that help cushion the pain of ambiguous loss and get families back on track.
The best way to live with an ambiguous loss, she says, is to recognize and accept the situation, not to deny or avoid it. An example Boss gives in her newly published book, "Ambiguous Loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief," (Harvard University Press) is of a family who grew up with a gourmet Sunday dinner prepared by the father. As he became disabled by Parkinson's disease the family preserved the weekly tradition but adapted his role to the less demanding task of making popcorn, then serving apples.
"The goal for families is to find some way to change even though the ambiguity remains," Boss explains. The goal is to balance grief, over what was lost, with participation in what is still possible. Her book, now available at bookstores, is a collection of real stories and experiences that provide insight into how families can remain resilient. Boss writes in an easy- to-read and understand style. She wants her insights, gained from University of Minnesota-sponsored research, to directly help the general public. Already she has heard from readers whose new understanding has helped reduce their stress.
Boss brings to light many relationships and situations that are ripe for stress from lack of closure. The immigrant story -- of Europeans a century ago or Asians a decade back -- is filled with families torn apart and separated by the unknown. A closer- to-home example is that of divorced spouses who must maintain a relationship related to the children. Is the "ex" still a part of the family or not? Or, what is the relationship in adopted families with the birth-mother?
The University of Minnesota Extension Service has information about family stress available on its Internet site at www.extension.umn.edu. Search for the "Family Stress Series" and you will find a summary of Boss's suggestions for identifying and dealing with ambiguous loss.
NAG99-2998
Source: Pauline Boss, phone: 612-625-0291, pboss@che2.che.umn.edu
Writer: Dave Hansen, phone: 612-625-7290,dhansen@extension.umn.edu
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