Preventing Violence in Our Schools

Bullying: a big problem with big consequences

By Kathleen A. Olson, University of Minnesota Extension

Most people can remember some experience with a bully while growing up. Unfortunately, bullies still cause psychological and physical damage to other kids. Bullying is when one or several youth employ physical, emotional, or verbal abuse to make life miserable for another.

Bullying is not normal childhood behavior and should not be dismissed as “kids will be kids.” Youth routinely victimized by bullies may experience anxiety, insecurity, and low self-esteem. Chronic victims of bullying may need professional help as much as the bullies do.

Bystanders can help. Some experts suggest that changing attitudes and involvement of kids who witness but are not victims of bullying may have the greatest impact on bullies. Since bullies love an audience, a bystander’s encouragement or toleration of the bully will make the bully stronger.

Training through role-playing can help youth recognize a potentially harmful situation and assertively do something positive. By simply saying, “That’s not cool,” a bystander can stop a bully’s activities. Youth need to know that taking a stand for what is right can be very effective.

What if your child is the victim of a bully? Typically, assertive, self-confident children do not become victims of bullying. Youth usually are singled out because of psychological traits such as extreme passivity, sensitivity to criticism or low self-esteem. Here are some things parents can do:

• Listen to your child’s reports of being bullied and take it seriously.
• Recognize the symptoms: lost or torn clothing, unexplained bruises, fearfulness or anxiety, moodiness, withdrawn behavior, a drop in grades, lack of friends, loss of appetite, unexplained reluctance to go to school or sleep disturbances.
• Ask questions. Be suspicious if your child needs extra school supplies or extra lunch money. Ask how he or she is spending lunch break, before and after school. Ask what it’s like riding the bus or walking to school. Ask if there are peers who are bullies without asking whether your teen is being bullied. Encourage speaking out.
• Report all incidents to school authorities to combat the bullying. Keep a written record of who was injured and who you reported it to.
• Teach your child how to avoid the situations that expose him or her to bullying.
• Teach your child how to respond to aggression. With bullies, they should be assertive and leave the scene without violence. Role-play with your child how to react and respond. Do not tell youth to strike back. This gives the message that the only way to fight violence is by using more violence. It makes them feel that they need to solve the problem alone and that parents and teachers don’t care enough to help.
• Eliminate violent games, TV shows, and movies as much as possible Discuss and model cooperative, non-aggressive ways to solve problems.
• Avoid physical punishment. It sends the message that using physical force is acceptable. Children disciplined by physical punishment may use physical force to get their way with others.

What if you child is a bully? Objectively evaluate your teen’s behavior; teach him or her to recognize and express emotions non-violently; teach conflict-resolution skills; emphasize talking out the issue rather than hitting; promote empathy by pointing out the consequences for others of verbal and physical actions; and model toward your child the kind of behavior you want him or her to exhibit.

Adults must make it clear that aggressive behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Explain the difference between tattling and telling. Tattling is when you report something just to get someone in trouble. Telling is when you report that you or someone else is in danger.

When aggression is tolerated, everyone loses – the bullies, the victims and the bystanders. They all learn that violence is acceptable, and that is not the lesson we want to teach our youth.

For additional information on parenting, see http://www.parenting.umn.edu.

(Kathleen A. Olson is a family relations specialist with the University of Minnesota Extension Regional Center, Rochester)

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