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This simple model gives adults a way to tell a young person when they see behavior that concerns or troubles them. It does not place blame, imply negative judgments, or make accusations. It provides a concrete description of the behavior observed. It emphasized caring. It requires listening and then an explicit statement of what you want to see happen and what you will do to help make it happen.
Behavior of Concern
State a specific, observable behavior that causes you to be concerned.
Give it a name and describe it.
Share Concern
I care . . . I see . . . I feel . . .
Listen
State Expectations
I want . . . I will . . .
If you can put these observations and feelings into words in a firm, caring manner that does not blame or judge, you move a big step forward in building the circle of support for a young person. Use this simple formula over and over. It may sound stilted at first, but it becomes easier with practice.
Here's an example:
Behavior of concern: "John, I noticed that lately, when I want to talk with you, you get really angry. You either walk away from me or just turn me off and ignore me."
Sharing concern: "I care about you and I care about our relationship. I see you doing this with others in the class, too. I feel angry when this happens, but I also feel really bad and worry about it. I feel that you're isolating yourself and cutting yourself off from friends who care about you and want your company."
Listen: Allow time for real listening!
State Expectations: "I want you to try to respond to me when I talk. I want you to at least give me a nod or a civil answer. Does this sound reasonable? I will not bug you about this for the next week or so, but if things don't improve, we will need to talk more."
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