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A Parent's Guide to Teens: The Growing Season Book

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Conflict

Sometimes it feels as if it happens overnight. One morning your outgoing, full of life, happy 12-year-old wakes up with an attitude. He may be sullen and withdrawn. She may suddenly argue with nearly everything you say. He may disappear into his room for days. She may question all the rules. "What has gone wrong?" you may ask. The answer is nothing. Believe it or not, this is normal teenage behavior.

We want to help you:

• Have fewer conflicts with your teenager.
• Settle conflicts when they do happen.
• Understand what makes you angry.

It's not possible to live together without experiencing conflict. Conflict occurs when one person feels his or her beliefs, values, way of living, or territory are threatened; when there are disagreements about how to do something; when there is not enough of something to satisfy everyone; and when communication has broken down.

Conflict can be good if we use it wisely, or it can be destructive. Conflict can help us:

• Understand each other better.
• Become aware of problems that need to be solved.

Conflict can be a form of energy when we need to figure out what to do. Conflict is an essential part of building trust with each other. However, conflict can really take a lot of time and energy in a relationship. Our relationships can be damaged if we don't resolve our differences. Conflict can make us feel bad about ourselves and the other person, and we may behave in ways we regret later.

There are a few simple things to keep in mind when dealing with your teen and conflict.

• Avoid criticism and ridicule.
• Go lightly on advice.
• Take your teen and his problems seriously.
• Communicate clearly.
• Make sure you are available to your teen even if she doesn't seem to want to talk.
• Be clear about who is in charge of your teen's behavior and who is responsible when things happen.