07309
Positive Parenting of Teens
Prepared by Tracy Habisch-Ahlin, University of Minnesota
Extension Educator-Family Development, Washington County,
MN
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Issues Fact Sheet: Teens and Dating
The image most parents hold about teen dating is that it
is light hearted, happy, and playful—"puppy-love."
This is indeed what teen dating should be. For teens, however,
there is often an intensity of feeling and sometimes commitment
by at least one partner. Teens physically mature long before
they have a complete understanding of the emotions involved
in an intimate relationship. It is for this reason teens should
be encouraged to keep their early dating simple.
When Are Teens Ready to Date?
More than anything this is a question each family must answer
based on their values. One recent Parenthoodweb poll asked,
"When will (would) you let your daughter date?"
Parents responded with the following:
13 years 26.01%
15 years 46.92%
18 years 16.62%
over 18 years 10.46%
Parents strongly supported or insisted that their teen be
involved in group dates until age 16 to 18. As in years past,
parents wanted to meet their teen's date before their teen
was able to go on a date. Parents were most comfortable when
they also met the parents of their teen's date. In support
of group dating one parent stated, "Putting teens in
situations alone, like dating, is simply like giving them
a test they are too young to be taking."
Along with deciding the age teens should start dating, parents
need to decide if their teen would be allowed to date someone
older. Keep in mind that young teens, and even some older
teens, are often unable to understand how an older teen or
young adult can manipulate them.
What about Dating and Sexual Activity?
It would be naïve to discuss dating without giving some
thought to sexual activity. Here again parents need to be
clear about what they value and what behaviors they expect
from their teen. Planned Parenthood offers the following suggestions
for communicating with your teen about sex.
- Answer your teen's questions as they come up.
- Answer your teen directly and honestly. Your willingness
to be open and truthful will go a long way, especially when
it comes to your teen dealing with the tough stuff.
- Be clear about your values. The values parents teach will
be the foundation from which teens will make future decisions.
- Don't hesitate to let your teen know how you feel and
what you expect. At the same time be willing to listen and
not judge when your teen speaks.
- Remember that your teen is hearing about sex everywhere.
Make sure they get the true story from you. Just because
your teen says, "I know," doesn't mean he or she
does. If teens are resistant, back off for the moment and
pick up the conversation later in the day or the next day.
- Be persistent. Parents have a lot of knowledge and experience.
Your voice needs to be heard.
Dating that Becomes Hurtful
Parents need to be aware of the darker side of dating also.
Far too many teens are hurt in abusive and exploitive relationships,
sometimes with life-long consequences.
According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics-Criminal Victimization
(1994), 3.7 females per 1000 age 12 years or older were victims
of rape or sexual assault. In comparison, 0.2 male per 1000
age 12 or older was a victim of rape or sexual assault. Relationships
can also be physically abusive--it happens to one in every
four.
Teens are often confused and scared when abuse or sexual
assault occurs in a relationship. They aren't sure how to
tell a parent. Parents may have to ask teens directly if they
have been hurt.
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
- The abusive partner is very controlling.
He or she calls a lot, just to check up. He or she makes
all of the decisions about what the couple will do and decides
whom they can hang around with.
- Abusive partners will isolate their
girl- or boyfriend from friends. Parents may notice
that their teen no longer hangs out with her or his friends
much, only with the person she or he is dating.
- Abusive partners have short tempers.
They are known for getting angry and "losing it.".
Some have a reputation for getting into fights. Many get
worse when they are drinking alcohol or using other drugs.
- Abusive partners will often belittle
or put down their partner. They will say things
like, "You're fat," "You're ugly," and
"No one else would have you."
- Abusive relationships don't start
with a black eye on the first date. Abuse is much
subtler. There is a lot of emotional abuse that occurs before
the first slap, push or grab.
- Abusive partners usually show a
lot of jealousy or possessiveness.
Parents should try to help their teen understand what a healthy
relationship is. Healthy relationships are based on trust
and genuine caring. If teens disclose abuse, believe them.
Make sure teens know that abuse or sexual assault is not the
victim's fault. Contact a local sexual assault or domestic
abuse program for help.
