07309
Positive Parenting of Teens
Prepared by Ronald L. Pitzer, Family Sociologist, University
of Minnesota Extension Service
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Background: Perception and Misperception in Teen-Parent Relationships
Seeing is believing. I wouldn't have seen
it if I hadn't believed it.
- ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
The statement above captures the essence and significance
of perception as a force in human behavior. Communication,
problem solving, decision making, and stress management are
all greatly affected by a person's perceptions.
Human beings do more than merely sense and experience their
world through sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. When
people get data (information) through any of their senses
and experiences, they also perceive it. That is, they define
the situation or event--they interpret it, they make some
kind of sense of it, they make inferences and draw conclusions
from it. The interpretation made or conclusion drawn from
what they have seen or heard could be accurate or it could
"miss the boat." But, center or wrong, this perception
is that person's reality. The person's feelings about the
situation or event and the actions he or she takes grow out
of this perception (or misperception).
Perceptions and Emotions
It is customary to attribute our feelings directly to events
or people: "When my car broke down, it made me so angry,"
or "He makes me so angry when he . . .!" But this
emotional reaction is a bit more complex. It wasn't the car's
behavior that made the man angry nor was
it her husband's or teen's behavior that
made the woman angry. More accurately, it was the interpretation
of the event or action of the other person that led to the
emotion.
When a teenaged offspring acts in a surly fashion, the parent's
self-talk may take this form: "He couldn't possibly have
a good reason for being so obnoxious. He's just trying to
get my goat. He has no center to behave that way." That
sort of interpretation almost always leads to anger.
But that is not the only possible reaction to or perception
of the teen's behavior. Other interpretations would lead to
other emotions (and other responses). For example, another
parent (or this mother under other circumstances) might realize
that her son may have responded irritably to a question or
request because he has had a bad day (he fears a poor grade
on a test and he didn't get the role he really wanted in the
school play and he and his girl friend just had a quarrel).
This interpretation of the same surly behavior might lead
her to feel sympathy. Or, she might realize that her son is
falteringly trying to establish his independence and so not
take his tone of voice personally, but respond with humor
(though sticking to her guns regarding the issue). Three different
interpretations of the same event (surly teen behavior) lead
to very different emotional reactions and maternal behaviors.
Perception and Communication
Most of our failures in understanding
one another have less to do with what is said and what is
heard than with what is intended and what is inferred.
- GEORGE A. MILLER, PSYCHOLOGIST
Whenever we observe another's behavior, whenever we hear
words being spoken, whenever we get information through any
of our senses, we always draw some conclusion about what was
meant or intended. If our interpretation is reasonably correct,
our response probably will be reasonably appropriate. If,
however, our conclusion is incorrect or the meaning we make
of the person's actions or words is different from what was
intended, our response may not be appropriate.
Two realizations are important. First, there is an interpretation
step in every instance of communication. Second, since our
interpretation is based on our values, beliefs, and experiences,
it could be incorrect. The way to avoid this potential communication
error is relatively simple: Get feedback. That is, check out
your interpretation with the other person before responding
or acting. It takes only a few seconds to ask, "Do you
mean . . . ?" or "Do I correctly understand you
to be saying . . . ?"
Perception and Problem Solving
Our perception or definition of a problem also affects (or
even determines) the outcomes or solutions we are able to
formulate or imagine. Sometimes we limit our options or fail
to consider possible solutions by the way we "see,"
define, or describe the problem.
For example, if a father who wants more help with household
tasks sees his problem as a lazy daughter, his array of possible
solutions is limited. There probably are only three solutions
to a lazy daughter--get rid of her, come to accept the laziness,
or change her. Only one of these--changing her--can lead to
his desired goal of more household help. But changing the
nature or even the behavior of another person is not an easy
task.
It is never productive and rarely accurate to identify our
problem as someone else's behavior. More accurately, our problem
is how we are affected by the other person's behavior. In
the case above, a more accurate and productive definition
of the father's problem is that he is feeling overburdened
by household tasks with which he is getting little or no help.
Viewed that way, other possible options besides "getting
his daughter off her lazy duff" open up. For example,
he might cut down on other activities to allow more time and
energy for the household work; or he might hire someone else
to do (some of) it; or he might leave some of it undone. Or,
perhaps more realistically, he might re-examine and modify
his efforts to enlist his daughter's assistance.
Given his current perception that his daughter is lazy, his
key approach to solving the problem probably is to nag her--a
strategy that is rarely successful. Perhaps she doesn't know
all that has to be done to keep a household functioning; perhaps
she doesn't realize how much time and energy her father is
expending; perhaps she has a heavy load of schoolwork and
other commitments which is strapping her own time and energy;
perhaps he has not been clear about his expectations, needs,
and standards; perhaps she has little choice in the tasks
she is expected to perform and gets only those which she finds
especially distasteful.
An important step in solving problems is careful definition
of the problem. Can you take the time to carefully consider
what has happened, what is going on, what is involved in this
situation? Can you recognize overreactions, faulty assumptions,
taken-for-granteds growing out of your values or previous
experiences? Just talking out your problem with someone often
makes you more aware of such matters. Others' views and experiences
may bring clearer or different perspectives to your attention.
Stereotyping Teenagers
My daughter will soon be a teen. I don't
know if I can stand it.
- MOTHER OF A 10-YEAR-OLD
This mother's statement contained two assumptions. One is
that all teens are difficult. The second is that her daughter
will be like all the rest. This process of applying to a specific
case (her daughter) characteristics which we attribute to
an entire category (teens) is called stereotyping.
Assumptions about this category of people we call teens (or
adolescents) are rampant in our culture--and many of them
are negative. Parents need to guard against this too-easy
prejudice. It is possible that our teenaged daughter or son
will be difficult at times (for that matter, aren't we all?)
or even frequently. But becoming a teen does not automatically
guarantee that. We would be better served by making every
effort to know our own offspring as the individuals they are.
(See the "How Well Do You Know Your Teen?" worksheet.)
Self-fulfilling Prophecies in Teen-Parent Relationships
Give a dog a bad name and he'll live up
to it.
- APPALACHIAN SAYING
Mainly I think it's because people expect
me to. They know I've done it before and they think I can
do it again. And that gives me confidence. It's a kind of
self-fulfilling prophecy.
- TENNIS GREAT ARTHUR ASHE
(in response to the question,
How do you manage to serve an ace
so often when you need it most?)
If you treat people as if they were what
they ought to be, you help them become what they are capable
of being.
- JOHANN GOETHE
Three quotes--one from ordinary American folks, one from
an outstanding tennis player, one from a German intellectual.
They all refer to the "self-fulfilling prophecy":
that expecting a result can cause the result.
This is not a new notion or concept. It is part of folk wisdom
that optimism (or positive expectations) will improve success
in almost anything we do and that, conversely, pessimism (or
negative expectations) will depress opportunities. Our perceptions
of one another can exert similar influence. Anything--positive
or negative--that we believe about ourselves or others can
become true, because we tend to act in accordance with what
we believe. So, if we buy into the negative images often portrayed
of teenagers, we may find our teenagers being difficult--at
least in part because that is what we seemed to expect of
them. And in part because they may think, "If I'm going
to get blamed for it anyway, I may as well do it."
We may communicate expectations to our youngsters through
tone of voice, facial expressions, touch, and posture. These
expectations may help or may hinder the child by influencing
his or her self-perceptions. That is, children are apt to
live up to or live down to that which appears to be expected
of them.
Summary and Conclusion
Perception and its companion processes--stereotyping and
self?-fulfilling prophecies--are powerful forces in human
relationships. As a part of understanding communication and
conflict in teen-parent relationships, an examination of how
both parents and teens are perceiving a situation can be fruitful.
What are you each assuming (or taking for granted)? Are you
buying into widely held stereotypes and are you basing expectations
of your teenaged youngster (or parent) on these stereotypes?
Can you attempt to see your youngster (or parent) as a person
in his or her own center rather than just as another member
of the "younger" (or "older") generation?
The ability and willingness to examine how the constant process
of perception is playing out in your family can go a long
way to improve communication and ease conflict.
Next Section: Understanding
Physical Changes
