Helping Others in Distress

Copyright ©  2008  Regents of the University of Minnesota. All rights reserved.

In the course of everyday life, you are bound to run into people suffering from emotional upsets. Some are so slight they usually escape notice, others are more severe. When you encounter people like this, treat them with tolerance and understanding. Many of the things they do which aggravate and irritate you are not done with conscious intent. They just cannot help acting that way. If we had been through what they have been through, we might be worse--who knows?

It seldom does much good to tell a distressed person that he or she is not acting sensibly. Frequently they know it, but the reaction is beyond their control at the moment. Neither does it do much good to step up and tell such persons what ails them--even if you happen to be right.

Even if a person under stress or in crisis is anxious to face and conquer the difficulty, you cannot do the job for him/her. In the end, the person must recognize the cause of the trouble and convince her/himself they can overcome it. No one else can do it for them.

The most important thing you can do for anyone suffering from a mental or emotional disturbance is as difficult as it is simple--just listen! If you want to be a good listener, here are some practical suggestions from experienced counselors:

• Try to be honestly interested in what the person tells you. Listen a long time without interrupting, alone if possible.
  
  
• Do not kid the person about the problem, ridicule the, person or offer a quick cure-all. People who make light of others' misfortunes are often really afraid to ask about them.
  
  
• Do not promise the person anything. You may not be able to help.
  
  
• Do not seemed shocked. Accept whatever is said without blaming with a word or look.
  
  
• Do not laugh at what the person tells you. Other people's troubles sometimes have a way of sounding funny; our own rarely do.
  
  
• Do not lie to the person.
  
  
• Give the person absolutely no advice or opinion until you are sure you know what he/she is unhappy about. Even then, suggest that the trouble may be caused by what you have in mind rather than is caused by it.
  
  
• Remember, there is something in all of us that makes us want to solve our own problems even when we turn to others for help. Your goal as a listener is not to make the person do what you say, but to help them figure out for themselves where the unhappiness comes from, and to accept for themselves the responsibility of altering their way of life.
  
  

Ron Pitzer
Family Sociologist

Orginally published in January 1989

College of Human Ecology in cooperation with the University of Minnesota Extension Service

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