Coping With Parental Stress

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Rearing happy well-adjusted children is quite an accomplishment for any parent. Knowing that you are effective with your children and can meet their needs contributes to parents' feelings of satisfaction.

Hard work, responsibility, demands for time and attention are also part of parenting. This is the part of parenting that causes stress to mount and makes us feel caught and sometimes overwhelmed by demands constantly made upon us.

The demands of a child are especially strenuous on new parents. It's a terrific adjustment to bring a baby home from the hospital and begin to take care of it.

A new parent may feel particularly worried and unsure. It's as if society suddenly says, "You're a parent now. We haven't told you much about how to parent but go to it and do the best you can." Most jobs require a training period to acquaint you with new job responsibilities. But for the job of parenting, little education is available.

Parental uncertainty doesn't necessarily disappear as children grow. Just as we learn what to expect of an infant, the child becomes a toddler. Parental stress may increase if parents are unable to change their expectations and demands as children grow. Children change the most rapidly during the first two years of life and as they reach adolescence. Therefore parents may experience high levels of stress during these time periods unless they learn to adjust to a changing child.

Parents need to realize that they are not magically equipped with "parental love" or a "mothering instinct" which enables them to automatically love and care for babies and children. It takes time, patience, experience, and effort to build a positive parent-child relationship and become an effective parent.

In addition to feeling inadequate about how to parent, mothers and fathers may sometimes be bothered by feelings of resentment. No one ever told you it would be like this. Taking care of children demands so much time and energy that it's not always possible to do some of the other things that are important to you. Interruptions come at the most inconvenient times. No matter how tired or ill you feel, children's needs must be met.

These feelings of resentment and anxiety are entirely normal. However, we must take care not to take them out on our children. When we begin to blame our children for our problems, it is time to seek help and make some changes in our lives.

When the pressures of parenting become great, they can cause us to overreact. Sometimes pressures are self-imposed because we try to run such a tight ship that neither we nor our children can relax. When you feel uptight with your children, ask yourself:

• Do I expect too much -- must they always stay clean, keep their room spic and span, stay quiet, or meet my demands immediately?
  
  
• Can they do it their way sometimes? Does it really matter or must it always be my way?
  
  
• Do they always have to act like adults? Why can't I let them be children?
  
  
• Have I talked to anyone about my feelings? Have I talked to the children about theirs?
  
  

It is important for parents to sometimes make changes in order to cope with the daily demands of being a parent. Sometimes it helps to relieve tension when you:

• Talk to friends or spouse about your frustrations.
  
  
• Tell your children what makes you angry and what behavior the child needs to change to reduce your anger.
  
  
• Leave the room for a short time when you are losing control. You can deal more effectively with children and situations when you have time to collect your thoughts and calm down.
  
  
• If you are a new parent, have a relative, friend or paid help come in for the first few weeks.
  
  
• Take some time for yourself when children are sleeping. Relax and forget what you should be doing.
  
  

Stress and strain are not conducive to good parenting. All of us need to find a way to relieve pressure, so it is not taken out on our children.

When things are going well, parenting can be a satisfactory experience. It's important that you share your positive feelings with your children, too. Let them know that you feel good about the way the day is going. Tell them when their behavior is making you happy. Make sure they know you appreciate the good things they do. Say thank you and remember to treat yourself and your children to something special when they are doing well.

Source: Adapted in part from Lynda Harriman and Nancy Weller, Coping with Parental Stress, ERIC/EECE Family Living Series #9

Ronald Pitzer
Family Sociologist

Originally published in February 1982

College of Human Ecology in cooperation with the University of Minnesota Extension Service

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