Helping Children Cope With Stress

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Children need help in learning to cope with the stress they face. What kinds of stress do children experience? Children today have concerns about their parents getting divorces, nuclear war, pollution, energy resources and/or educational pressure. Compounded with these stress factors is the fact that the extended family is usually not immediately available to children for additional support, and in most homes today, both mothers and fathers are working away from home most of the day. However, children are resilient. They can learn to adapt to the stress they experience. Furthermore, it is the interpretation of the stress by the child that will determine how they will respond to stress. For example, if a three-year-old child being dropped off at a child care center the first day, views this action as a rejection of her, she will feel anxious and hurt. But if the same child viewed this event as an opportunity for her to have fun with other children while her mother was engaged in another important activity, she might feel eager and excited.

To decrease a child's stress, adults need to be knowledgeable of the symptoms of stress in children. There are many warning signs that could indicate a child is undergoing stress. Among these are bedwetting, complaints of a pounding heart, stomach upset, queasiness, decline in school achievement, demand for constant perfection, downgrading of self, extreme worry, irritability, lying, nightmares, overeating, poor sleep or eating habits, teeth grinding, difficulty in getting along with friends, and withdrawal from social activities. It cannot be overemphasized that it is normal for children to exhibit some of these signs at some time in their lives. Adults need to be alert, however, when a child is demonstrating a cluster of these signs or symptoms simultaneously or there is no apparent cause that can explain why the child might be under stress. If either of these two situations present themselves, the adults who are involved in the care of the child need to intervene. If the child perceives that it is not possible to handle the stresses they feel, they can become angry or aggressive. If the threat is judged as overwhelming, then anxiety is the outcome. If the body remains in a state of anxiety, then physical, social, and emotional deterioration can result. So what can we do to help children cope with the stress they experience?

One suggestion is to set a good example. Remember that children are imitators and often may cope with stress the same way they see adults handle their stress. Also, in some instances, explaining (especially to older children) why something is being done can ease their reactions. There are situations where children can not be given a choice, but, in other cases, it is appropriate and beneficial to ask a child for his/her preference regarding a minor decision.

A third way to minimize a child's stress is to show more interest in the child's experience than in the results that are produced. There is nothing wrong with encouraging success, but there are times when a child merely needs a hug that lets him/her know "I'm glad to see you." It is important that we teach children the word "stress" and how it may feel for them. For example, letting them know that their heart may pound or they may feel "butterflies in their stomach." Also, older children can be stimulated to problem solve for themselves, which fosters their independence. So, if a child seems to repeatedly bully other children, becomes docile and gives up, lies, withdraws, hurts or blames other children, he/she can be asked what other ways there are to handle the situation that generated one of these reactions. If this procedure is utilized, be prepared for the answers you may receive. It is said that the mind is like a parachute: it works only when open.

If a child is experiencing stress, there are other ways to help him/her gain control. The aim is to help the child relax. Among the ways are: deep breathing exercises, finding images in the clouds, listening to soothing music, reciting nursery rhymes and finger plays, listening to the rain fall, drawing or coloring, or playing rag doll (in which the "doll" slowly comes alive and marches like a soldier, then gradually becomes limp). These "stressbreakers" can help the child decrease the level of stress he/she encounters. Children can learn how to harness the positive energy of stress and use it to their own advantage. The ultimate goal is to teach children how to manage stress they experience in appropriate ways so they can feel confidence in themselves and have a positive self-image.

Ronald Pitzer
Family Sociologist

Originally published in July, 1988

College of Human Ecology in cooperation with the University of Minnesota Extension Service

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