Helping Children Learn to Cope

Copyright ©  2008  Regents of the University of Minnesota. All rights reserved.

Some of the problems young children have seem enormous to them--being bullied on the way home from school, adjusting to a new day care arrangement, contending with the neighbor's dog.

When such problems occur, adults should do more than simply offer comfort and reassurance that things will get better soon. What is more useful is to suggest tactics and strategies to help the child cope with the immediate problem and with similar situations which may arise.

If a child is in tears because other children persist in calling her a "stupid cry-baby," an adult might ask, gently and seriously, "Are you a stupid cry-baby?" The child will most likely reply with a staunch "no!" Then the adult might suggest that the child say firmly to the name callers, "I don't like to be talked to that way!" Armed with firsthand knowledge that she isn't what she's being called, the child can address her adversaries with confidence or at least pay less attention to them.

Adults can also teach children to draw on their previous experiences as a source of reassurance.

If a child is highly anxious about another visit to the dentist, don't promise that it won't hurt or that it will be fun. Instead, say something such as, "Remember the last time you went to the dentist? You were uncomfortable for a few minutes, but it wasn't so bad, after all, was it?" The child's own memory of having survived the experience can become a source of courage to cope with the situation once more.

Partial suggestions on how to deal with a situation help children manage when parents or other protectors are not there. By handling problem situations, children learn to cope with the world as it is rather than as ideally arranged for them by adults.

Ronald Pitzer
Family Sociologist

Originally published in July, 1989

College of Human Ecology in cooperation with the University of Minnesota Extension Service

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