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Positive Parenting II: Toddler to Twelve

Prepared by Laurel Swanson Moore, University of Minnesota Extension Educator–Family Development, Carver County, MN; Beverlee Baker, University of Wisconsin Extension Family Living Agent, Racine County, WI and Ronald L. Pitzer, Family Sociologist, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota Extension Service.

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Parent Handout: What to Do When Siblings Quarrel

Scene from accompanying video

Ask Yourself . . .

Is it normal bickering?
If yes, stay out of the squabble.

• Ignore it. Act as if the quarreling doesn't exist. One way to do this is to focus on pleasant thoughts. Think about a favorite place.
• Remind yourself that your children are learning to solve problems and that's good.

Is the argument heating up?
If yes, your children may need your help.

• Recognize your children's feelings. “You two sound angry with each other!”
• Speak about each child's point of view. “I see Jenny, you want to play with the red car, because you had it first. And, Mark you want to play with the red car too.”
• Let your children know the difficulty of the problem. “That's a tough one—two children and only one red car.”
• Have confidence in your children. Tell them, “I know you two can work out a solution to your problem.”
• Leave the room.

You Can Also . . .

• Offer choices. Decide what your children can do instead of what they are doing. “You can play pleas¬antly together or play in your room.” Be sure to offer choices that you as a parent will accept.
• Direct your children's behavior. Tell your children specifically what you want them to do in place of what they are doing. Situations where this works well is:
  • when children have few social skills.
  • when you as a parent are too tired to offer choices or help children problem solve.
  • when children are too tired to make reasonable decisions.
  • when children need “how to” information.

Is the situation becoming more dangerous—turning into a physical or verbal fight?
If yes, you need to step in.

• Tell your children what you see or hear. “I see two children who are angry and calling each other names.”
• Separate your children. “You each need a time to cool off. Jenny, you go to your room and Mark, to your room.”