06960
Positive Parenting II: Toddler
to Twelve
Prepared by Joan E. LeFebvre, University of Wisconsin Extension
Family Living Agent, Vilas, Forest, Florence Counties, WI
 |
 |
Note: This is a Web Sampler. More information and how
to order is available here.
|
| | SAVE!
Buy Positive Parenting II and Teens together. |
Parent Handout: Praise That Builds a Child's Self-Esteem
Scene from
accompanying video |
How do you react when someone:
- says you are a great cook?
- tells you how smart you are?
- remarks on your attractiveness?
Do you doubt the person? deny the compliment? feel threatened?
feel manipulated? Some people react quite negatively to praise,
either becoming openly defiant or withdrawing. These are normal
reactions to a positive judgment--you don't notice that the comment
is positive, you notice that it is a judgment.
In an effort to enhance their children's self-esteem, parents
often use praise to recognize the efforts and accomplishments of
their children. Obviously, recognizing our children's positive behavior
is more likely to build self-esteem than dwelling on problems. But
praise is not always uplifting.
Praise like "you're great . . . wonderful . . . marvelous" can
be too much for anyone to take. It is hard to accept such extravagant
praise. Did you ever notice how uncomfortable you get whenever anyone
evaluates you? The minute someone tells you you're "good" or "pretty"
or "smart" all you can think about are the times you were bad or
felt ugly or did something dumb.
Children also become uncomfortable with praise that evaluates
them. They often push it away. Sometimes they will deliberately
misbehave to prove you wrong. For example, you tell Jason what a
great artist he is and he tells you Jenny is better at drawing.
Or you tell Liz she sings beautifully and she is embarrassed about
your bragging.
Descriptive Praise
Instead of evaluating what your child has done, it is usually
better to describe it. Describe in detail exactly what your
child did. Then your child, hearing the description, is likely to
recognize the truth and credit herself.
The kind of praise a child can "take in" and that truly builds
self-esteem comes in two parts. First, the adult describes what
the child has done. ("I see you are all ready to go to the store.
You picked up your toys, put on your jacket, and even turned off
the light in your bedroom.") Second, the child, after hearing
his accomplishment described, praises himself. ("I know how
to plan ahead and be responsible.")
Descriptive praise is harder and takes longer, but the payoff
is usually greater. Descriptive praise helps children become independent,
creative thinkers and doers. They do not look to somebody else for
approval. They trust themselves and their own judgment. They have
enough confidence to say to themselves, "I'm satisfied," or "I'm
not satisfied," with what I have done. They learn to make corrections
or adjustments based upon their own evaluations.
Descriptive praise is unconditional love -- not conditional upon your
approval.
Evaluative Praise Creates Dependency
Some praise creates dependency upon the approval of others. The
evaluative praise, "You are a very generous person," makes the child
dependent on the judgment of the praiser. But the descriptive praise,
"When you saw that Elliot forgot his sandwich, you gave him part
of yours" gives a child a sense of her own abilities and accomplishments.
Descriptive praise lets a child evaluate herself. If you want
your daughter to focus her attention more on the impact she had
on Elliot, you might say something like, "Look at Elliot's face!
He looks pretty happy because you gave him something to eat when
he didn't have anything." You can help your child see how her actions
affect others.
Ask yourself, does my praise make my children more dependent upon
me and my approval, or do my words help them see their strengths
and give them a clearer picture of their abilities and accomplishments?
The goal is to let your children feel in touch with their own powers
and to be able to praise themselves. The person your child needs
to please is him or herself.
Good Job! Wonderful! Great! Praise, as it is commonly practiced,
is a way of making and keeping children dependent on us. It gets
them to conform to our wishes. It sustains a dependence on our
evaluations and our decisions about what is good and bad,
rather than helping them begin to form their own judgments. It leads
children to measure their worth in terms of what will make us smile
and offer the positive words they crave. It leads to a dependency
on approval.
Components of Descriptive Praise
Effective praise, then, has two parts. First the parent expresses
appreciation for some specific contribution or effort. Second, the
child draws conclusions about himself or herself based on this specific
statement from the parent.
For a mother to tell her son, "You're so strong" is not as effective
in building self-esteem as saying "That was really a heavy load.
Thanks for your help." This boy can then think to himself, "I must
be pretty strong. Mom thought I was a good helper." These internal
conclusions will be much more believable to the child than a parent's
general value judgment of the child as a person.
Evaluative comments are often unnecessary. In the long run, parents
can become less judgmental and controlling, and help their children
become more independent and motivated, simply by acknowledging what
their children do. Just pointing out an aspect of a child's drawing
that seems interesting (without saying that it's nice or that you
liked it) will likely be enough to encourage further efforts.
For example, if your preschooler makes you a get-well card, instead
of saying "It's beautiful," you can describe it: "I love these yellow
balloons and red hearts. They cheer me up. I feel better already,
just looking at them."
Practice Using Descriptive Praise
It takes more thoughtful effort to use descriptive praise than
evaluative praise. Why do we respond with a barrage of compliments?
It's easy. It feels good to have someone looking to us for approval.
But it takes skill and care and attention to encourage people in
such a way that they remain interested in what they are doing and
don't feel controlled.
Remember descriptive praise has two parts:
- Describe what you see and hear.
- Describe what you feel.
Name three things your child does that you might want to praise.
1.
2.
3.
Describe what the child does. Share your comments with your child.
References
Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Can
Learn. New York: Simon and Schuster. 1995
Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will
Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Avon. 1980
Kohn, Alfie. Punished by Rewards. New York: Houghton
Mifflin. 1993
Lee, Thomas R. “Learn the Effective Use of Praise.”
January 3, 1996. online PenPages, Pennsylvania State University
Small, Steve, Univ. of WI Extension Specialist–Family
Life, Madison.
