Parents Forever: Money Issues in Divorce Educator Guide

Session 1

Topic

Recognizing grief over money changes

Purpose

To help each parent adjust to grief and loss in child-supportive ways

Instructions

1. Review Background.
2. Display Overhead, "Stages of the grief and loss cycle."
3. Use discussion information to encourage parents to find where they are on the grief and loss cycle.
4. Refer parents to Parent Handbook, "Recognizing Grief Over Money Changes."
5. Emphasize the impact of each stage on decisionmaking.

Background

How people see a situation influences how they talk about it, make decisions about it, and solve problems with respect to it. Two people often experience the same event and view it differently.

The amount of stress people feel in a situation depends on how much meaning they attach to it. People can change their interpretation of an event by reassessing priorities. Sometimes they may limit their options or fail to consider possible solutions because of the way they have defined the problem.

Both parents are experiencing a separation through the divorce process. Each parent can choose to approach that process in a way that hurts the other parent or to approach it in a way that fosters the most stable possible environment for their children.

Overhead

Discussion

1. Have parents think about where they are in the grief and loss cycle. Ask the following questions and then discuss some of their responses.
   1. Where have you been in the grief and loss cycle?
   2. How do you know you've been there?
   3. Where do you want to go within the cycle?
   4. How do you get there?
2. Note the "squares" on the left side of the grief and loss cycle diagram; they indicate "normal" functioning before the divorce. Notice the change to circles on the right side; they indicate a return to a "meaningful life." Discuss the symbolism of the change from squares to circles: thus, after experiencing loss, people's view of life is not the same.

Recognizing Grief Over Money Changes

As discussed in Impact of Divorce on Children, when people experience any major loss they go through certain stages of grief. The stages of grief that Dr. Elisabeth Kiibler-Ross* developed in her research on death and dying can also explain what happens to people who experience severe income loss.

People who experience grief and loss, for whatever reason, often move back and forth among the five stages. Sometimes they remain at a particular stage for a while; sometimes the stages overlap; sometimes people shift to earlier stages. Decisions about how you spend your money are affected by the various stages, as discussed below.

Stage 1: Shock and denial

The first reactions of people experiencing unplanned changes include shock and denial. At this stage in the loss cycle, it is normal for people to feel confused and afraid and to want to place blame. However, many people just feel numb when they face anunplanned change, as if they were on automatic pilot. It is common for people to avoid making decisions or taking action at this point. People often cannot perform simple, routine tasks such as paying bills.

One way people protect themselves from a painful situation is through denial-denial that something that has happened or denial about their pain and fear. And for a time, it may be healthy. But prolonged denial can have devastating consequences for individuals and for their situations, especially a budget situation. Continued denial, of course, blocks people from doing anything.

Stage 2: Anger

Anger is often intense during divorce (see Impact of Divorce on Adults). It is characterized by second-guessing, hate, self-doubt, embarrassment, irritation, shame, hurt, frustration, and anxiety. People usually understand their situation more clearly at this stage, but they may look for someone to blame. If there is no one to blame or focus their anger on, a feeling of helplessness may take over and the anger may be turned inside. Some people take it out on themselves by assuming responsibility for a situation about which they had little control.

At this stage, people are often afraid to let themselves acknowledge the anger they feel. They may fear that they will immediately need to express it and act on it in a way that they will later regret. However, by not admitting their loss and pain to themselves and others close to them, they will be blocked from doing anything about it. If a person gets stuck at this stage, it can keep them from taking control of their money. Making decisions at this point is difficult because all one's energy gets put into the emotion rather than problem-solving.

Stage 3: Depression and detachment

The third stage of Kiibler-Ross's grief and loss cycle is characterized by feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being overwhelmed. People often feel down; they lack energy and have little desire to do anything. Withdrawal from activities and people is common. Because it is hard to make decisions at this stage, it is a good idea to consider asking a family member, friend, or professional for help if important money decisions in the divorce process need to be made.

Stage 4: Dialogue and bargaining

The fourth stage is a time when people struggle to find meaning in what has happened. They begin to reach out to others, and they want to tell their story. Although possibly still angry or depressed, people become more willing to explore alternatives after expressing their feelings. Perhaps they consider drawing up a new budget or seeing a financial counselor.

Stage 5: Acceptance

At this stage, people are ready to explore and consider options. Decisions are much easier to make because people have found new purpose and meaning. Perhaps a new financial plan begins to take shape.

Getting back to "normal"

A sudden loss of income seriously disrupts people's "normal" state of functioning. But they can return to a purposeful state of functioning by going through these stages, exploring their options, and setting a plan. People then begin to feel more secure and more in control. They have more self-esteem. They get renewed energy to tackle life again, but in different ways than before the divorce. It might be better to think of the end of the grief cycle as returning to a meaningful life rather than returning to a "normal" life. Normal at this stage will not be the same "normal" as before the divorce, eitherfinancially or emotionally.

Source: E. Kiibler-Ross. 1969. On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillan.

See the Related Program: Parents Forever

In accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, this material is available in alternative formats upon request. Please contact your University of Minnesota Extension office or the Extension Store at (800) 876-8636.