Parents Forever: Pathways to a New Life Educator Guide

Essential Elements For A New Life

Letting Go

This element for a new life is the most important, because everything follows from it. As you learn to let go of the attachment, caring, and loyalty to the other parent, the future becomes possible. Some parents realize they should never have married; some conclude they should not have married each other; some decide that they should not have married when they did. Others realize that a change occurred in a relationship-that an important piece was gone-some element that allowed the union to work before. Whatever your conclusions about your marriage, it helps the process of letting go to find a way to understand that it has ended, and perhaps find some reasons why it ended.

Chances are good that you are still experiencing both positive and negative feelings for the other parent. Feeling very conflicted is a normal experience when first letting go of a relationship. But sometimes parents emotionally hang on to the other parent five or ten years after a divorce. If they remarried during that period, their continuing emotional attachment to the other parent hinders the relationship with their new spouse. Remember, anger and resentment are as much an emotional attachment as caring and loving.

Building the element of letting go into your new life means recognizing that the former marriage bonds, commitments, and responsibilities are over. You withdraw your loyalties to the relationship and, except for parallel-parenting responsibilities with the other parent, you learn how to walk away.

Sometimes a parent who is having a hard time letting go can add to their children's struggle by fueling their desire to hang on to the old family structure. These children may continue trying to get their parents back together. When you let go of the old life, it makes it easier for your children to let go, too.

Adapted from Craig Everett and Sandra Volgy Everett. 1994. Healthy Divorce. SanFrancisco: JosseyBass Publishers.

About the Parents Forever Program

In accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, this material is available in alternative formats upon request. Please contact your University of Minnesota Extension office or the Extension Store at (800) 876-8636.