Adjusting to Suddenly Reduced Income
Managing Disagreement and Conflict Over Money
Disagreement and conflict are not the same.
As families or family business members negotiate mutual goals, disagreement or conflict may surface. Disagreement and conflict are not the same. Disagreement is a difference of opinion while conflict is more threatening. Disagreement is usually restrained and fairly calm; conflict is a clash of feelings and interests that can be unreasonable and angry. Anger results from underlying feelings, intentions, beliefs, and values that have not been “owned” and are often unclear.
Because many people are extremely uncomfortable with conflict, they seek an immediate solution to it. Doing so, however, results in poor decisions that people can’t or won’t support over time. To use conflict constructively requires that things are worked out so more people in the group feel they have won than lost. This takes time, energy, and patience on everyone’s part. It is worth the effort because it brings people closer together, achieves a workable solution that people will support, and improves future communication. Don’t expect to work out a solution to a conflict in one sitting. You need time out to allow tensions to ease, to reflect on what’s been discussed, and to let creative solutions evolve.
In order to make any progress on managing a conflict situation, all parties involved must agree to work on the problem.
Five Steps to Manage Conflict
In order to make any progress on managing a conflict situation, all parties involved must agree to work on the problem. As you begin to address the conflict, the people involved must agree on the problem, identify the feelings of each person tangled up in the problem, and then identify and agree on ways to tackle the problem.
The five steps that follow can help you manage a conflict about money. Each person involved in the conflict needs to complete the exercise separately and then discuss and compare answers with others involved.
Step 1.
State the problem to be solved in one sentence. Take time to think about this, because often what people argue about is not the real root of the problem.
Step 2.
Have you written the problem in an "I" statement rather than a "you" statement? This means that you have stated the problem in terms of how you feel, not just in terms of what the other person or persons have done. For example, "I feel anxious and frustrated when bills come that are bigger than we can pay in a month." rather than "You always spend too much money." If you cannot write it in an "I" statement, go to Step 3 and try to identify your feelings. Then rewrite the statement in an "I" form. If you have written the problem statement in an "I" form indicated what will reduce the intensity of those feelings, go on to Step 3 to identify the feelings involved.
Step 3.
Identify the feelings you have about the problem. Several feelings have been identified below. Be sure that you add others you may be experiencing. Circle the number that best describes the intensity you feel on a scale from 0 to 5.
| a. | Not at all Angry | 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Very Angry |
| b. | Not at all Frustrated | 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Very Frustrated |
| c. | Not at all Excited | 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Very Excited |
| d. | Not at all Anxious | 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Very Anxious |
| e. | Not at all Confused | 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Very Confused |
| f. | Not at all Resentful | 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Very Resentful |
| g. | Not at all Hopeful | 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Very Hopeful |
| h. | Not at all (other)__________ |
0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Very (other)__________ |
Step 4.
Now get together with the others involved with the disagreement or conflict. Do you all view the problem in a similar manner? If you don't, everyone involved should complete Worksheet 4. Be sure to complete the "Points of Agreement" first and then the "Points of Disagreement." Doing so places the level of disagreement in perspective because the focus has been the tension rather than the whole picture.
Step 5.
Once there is agreement about the problem to be solved, the feelings and their intensity have been recognized, and the needs of each person have been identified regarding the conflict, alternative solutions to the problem can be identified and investigated.
List below the alternative solution(s) to the problem.
Solution 1:
Solution 2:
Managing conflict involves redefining or restructuring the part of the situation that is causing the tension.
Once you decide on a solution, set a time to review your progress. This gives you a chance to try another solution if the first one doesn't work, or it gives you a chance to celebrate if the first solution worked.
This process is about managing conflict rather than resolving conflict. Resolving conflict implies that there is an end to both the problem and the feelings surrounding it. Managing conflict involves redefining or restructuring the part of the situation that is causing the tension. There may be some remaining tension and disagreement as new approaches are tried.
Managing conflict is a more realistic way of thinking about challenges that develop in families and family businesses. When people spend as much time together as they do in these two cases, disagreements and conflict are normal. That's especially true when the money available is suddenly reduced.
The ideas presented here assume that there is agreement about what the problem is and agreement to work on the problem. When you are the only one willing to recognize and try to solve the problem, then you can only address the situation in ways that you can control. You can adjust your view of the situation, your involvement in the situation, and your reaction to the situation.
