...connecting community needs
and University resources...

Topics

• Agriculture
• Community
• Environment
• Family
• Garden
• Youth

Workshops

Find convenient educational offerings and e-learning

The Extension Store

Shop Extension for educational materials

Online Parenting Resources

When Siblings Quarrel

Prepared by Laurel Swanson Moore, University of Minnesota Extension Educator–Family Development, Carver County, MN; Beverlee Baker, University of Wisconsin Extension Family Living Agent, Racine County, WI; and Ronald L. Pitzer, Family Sociologist, University of Minnesota.

Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations

Ask Yourself . . .

Is it normal bickering?

If yes, stay out of the squabble.

• Ignore it. Act as if the quarreling doesn't exist. One way to do this is to focus on pleasant thoughts. Think about a favorite place.
• Remind yourself that your children are learning to solve problems and that's good.

Is the argument heating up?

If yes, your children may need your help.

• Recognize your children's feelings. “You two sound angry with each other!”
• Speak about each child's point of view. “I see Jenny, you want to play with the red car, because you had it first. And, Mark you want to play with the red car too.”
• Let your children know the difficulty of the problem. “That's a tough one—two children and only one red car.”
• Have confidence in your children. Tell them, “I know you two can work out a solution to your problem.”
• Leave the room.

You Can Also . . .

• Offer choices. Decide what your children can do instead of what they are doing. “You can play pleas¬antly together or play in your room.” Be sure to offer choices that you as a parent will accept.
• Direct your children's behavior. Tell your children specifically what you want them to do in place of what they are doing. Situations where this works well is:
  • when children have few social skills.
  • when you as a parent are too tired to offer choices or help children problem solve.
  • when children are too tired to make reasonable decisions.
  • when children need “how to” information.

Is the situation becoming more dangerous—turning into a physical or verbal fight?
If yes, you need to step in.

• Tell your children what you see or hear. “I see two children who are angry and calling each other names.”
• Separate your children. “You each need a time to cool off. Jenny, you go to your room and Mark, to your room.”

Steps to Problem Solving

1. Get your children together.
2. Each child gets to tell the other his or her side without being interrupted.
3. You may write down information and read it back to your children, including a reflection of each child's feelings.
4. Let each child respond by naming the problem.
5. Ask for solutions and write them down without making comments.
6. Discuss all the solutions and decide which one you can all live with.
7. Try out the solution.
8. Ask: Is the solution working?

References

Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too. Norton. 1987.

Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting II: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1997). This product is no longer available.