Using Nurturance and Prevention Tools
Prepared by Bernadette Mayek, University of Wisconsin Extension
Family Living Educator, Waupaca County, WI and Ronald L. Pitzer,
Family Sociologist, University of Minnesota.
Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations
Strategies to help parents raise healthy, happy,
secure children and strategies parents can use when children
are not misbehaving that will keep problems from occurring.
Nurturance Tools Build Self-Esteem and Develop Attachment
Effective parental nurturing may be the single best predictor
that a child will turn out successfully. Nurturing means giving
our children the time, love, care, attention, and affection
they need to develop into competent and healthy adults. Nurturance
builds self-esteem, develops attachment, and allows children
to be disciplined. Nurturance builds a relationship between
parent and child, a “bank account” of good will.
If this account is established very early in a child’s
life, when babies are cuddled and cooed at, it can be a great
benefit during the teenage years. A child who feels loved
is more apt to realize that parents set limits and give guidance
because they love and care about him or her. Children are
more likely to feel secure within loving boundaries.
Love and Care for Our Children
- Provide real affection (all ages). Express
unconditional positive feelings for your child.
- Love unconditionally (all ages). Children
need to be accepted, trusted, even prized for who they are—
our children— not for what they do. Acceptance means
that when children don’t behave you still love them,
while letting them know you don't approve of the behavior.
This love and acceptance gives children a sense of security,
belonging, and support. Show love through hugs, kisses,
or touch.
- Spend time together (all ages). Someone
once said, “Children spell love T-I-M-E.” Words
of love are important, but they don’t take the place
of time spent with our children. Find things to do together
such as reading, playing games, or doing chores—something
enjoyable for both of you.
- Really listen (all ages). When a child
comes to you with a question or comment, stop what you are
doing, look at the child, and really listen. Your listening
ear is more important to your child than your advice. Watch
your children. What you see can help tell you how your children
feel.
- Trust and respect each other (all ages).
Encourage all family members to treat each other with respect.
What children become has a great deal to do with the example
set by those who raise them— parents who keep promises
and who are honest and sincere.
- Show interest in what your child does (all ages).
When you think your child is about to misbehave, ask her
to talk about what she is doing. This may distract her from
misbehaving.
Prevention Tools Help Stop Misbehavior Before It Starts
As a parent you can use tools to prevent a problem from happening
in the first place. The prevention tools are organized into
four groups:
- change your attitude
- teach values and behavior
- change the situation
- increase security
Change Your Attitude
- Change your thinking about the misbehavior (all
ages). Know what behavior is expected for your child’s
age, ability, and personality and accept that behavior. Allow
your child to make mistakes. Don’t accept behavior that
hurts others.
- Allow minor misbehavior (all ages). Don’t
respond to misbehavior if you have a more important goal you
want to reach. Continue to watch the behavior in case it becomes
troubling to others.
- Understand the child’s point of view (all
ages). You and your child may have different perspectives
about what misbehavior is. Also, take time to think what may
be going on in your child’s life that may be a reason
for the misbehavior.
Teach Values and Behavior
- Model the desirable behavior yourself (all ages).
Children strongly reflect the example set by those who raise
them. A parent’s behavior clearly tells the child what
values and principles should guide his life. As a parent,
you are always setting examples for your children to follow.
- Tell stories to make a point (all ages).
Read or tell stories to your children to help them understand
why something is important.
- Give specific instruction (all ages). Children
don’t always know the rule or know what you want them
to do. Tell them, but be careful not to be too controlling.
- Prepare the child for a difficulty (4-18 years).
When your child is faced with a problem that can’t be
changed or avoided, give him information to help him handle
the situation.
- Catch your child being good (all ages).
Let your child know immediately when she’s done something
good. Give her affection and encouragement.
- Give progress reports (5-18 years). When
your child takes steps toward achieving a goal, talk with
him and recognize him for his progress.
Change the Situation
- Encourage humor and fun (all ages). Make
things fun by doing the unexpected. Come up with a new twist
to the usual routine.
- Change the surroundings (all ages). Remove
forbidden objects or change the environment to prevent the
problem or misbehavior.
- Change the activity (2-11 years). When
your child is about to misbehave because she is tired or bored,
find another interesting, acceptable activity.
- Distract or redirect the child (2-4 years).
Physically steer your child away from a possible problem to
a place where he can do a more acceptable activity.
- Take time out (to calm down) (3-12 years).
Gently remove a child from a difficult situation where she
is losing self-control.
Increase Security
- Provide physical and emotional security (all ages).
Children need to know that their basic needs of food,
shelter, and clothing will be taken care of. Keeping a family
routine helps children feel secure; they know meal, nap, and
bed times. Being gentle and dependable assures your children
you are there for them!
- Move physically closer (all ages). Move
near your child when he may lose self-control and misbehave.
Your being nearby, in a warm and friendly way, may reduce
his temptation to misbehave. It’s equally important
to move close to the child when making a request or command.
“Long-distance” discipline is not very effective.
- Hold the child (all ages). Similarly, when
a child is distressed a touch on the back or shoulder or being
held close is comforting and reassuring. Often a child who
is out of control also can be calmed by being held firmly
but gently.
- Provide reassuring routines (2-16 years).
Your child may sometimes misbehave because of stressful changes
in his life. When routines are upset, be sure your child has
familiar experiences.
- Provide transitions (3-8 years). When young
children have to change from a busy to a quiet activity, prepare
them for the change.
References
Illsley Clark, Jean and Connie Dawson. Growing Up Again:
Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. New York,
NY: Harper & Row. 1997.
Smith, Charles A., Ph.D. Responsive Discipline: Effective
Tools for Parents. Kansas State University Cooperative
Extension Service. 1993.
Swanson, Laurel and Susan Hansen. “Prevention Tools”.
Positive Parenting. St. Paul, MN: University of Minnesota
Extension Service. 1994.
Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting II: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1997). This product is no longer available.
