Using Guidance Tools
Prepared by Bernadette Mayek, University of Wisconsin Extension
Family Living Educator, Waupaca County, WI.
Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations
Strategies for parents to use in managing
conflict and to teach responsibility.
Guidance tools help children to learn responsibility while
strengthening their self-esteem. The following tools are used
when the misbehavior cannot be prevented. The tools are organized
into four groups:
- encourage thinking
- show concern
- confront the situation
- care for yourself
Encourage Thinking
- Explain limits (3-18 years). When your
child doesn't understand what you expect of him, tell him
the reasons for your limits. For more information see the
fact sheet “Setting Limits” (also available
online).
- Provide a reminder of the rule (all ages).
When your child forgets a rule, tell her the rule again
as a positive reminder. Explain what will happen if the
rule is not followed. Give the reminder once.
- Ask for the rule to restated (3-18 years). If
your child knows the rule and is acting on impulse, ask
him to stop what he is doing and tell you the rule he’s
breaking.
- Ask for consequences (4-18 years). When
your child doesn't seem concerned about the effect
of her misbehavior, talk with her about how what she has
done has affected you and others.
- Ask for solutions (4-18 years). After
your child is calm enough to think, ask her how she might
solve the problem. Have her think of as many solutions as
possible and choose the best one. Be open to her ideas.
- Use humor (all ages). When a lighthearted
approach might work, use humor to make a point or remind
your child of what you expect of him. Avoid ridicule or
sarcasm.
- Make a polite request (all ages). Ask
your child to change a minor misbehavior. Be specific and
concise. Tell him what you need and how you feel. If he
refuses, ask him to tell you what you said from your point
of view.
- Use “do” instead of “don’t”
(all ages). Children learn more effectively if
parents emphasize the positive. When children hear many
negative words, the meaning of those words is weakened.
- Emphasize positive thinking (3-18 years).
When your child feels discouraged, help her to look for
positives in what may seem a negative situation.
Show Concern
- Provide a hearing (all ages). When you
are unsure about what happened and who was responsible for
a problem, ask your child to describe it. Listen to him without
criticizing or blaming. Then determine the extent of his responsibility
for the problem.
- Affirm feelings and thoughts (all ages).
When your child is too emotional to think clearly, tell him
the feelings and ideas evident from his actions. Be sympathetic
to his feelings and ideas. Don't tell him what he thinks and
feels is wrong.
- Ask for help to understand (4-18 years).
Ask your child to tell you what she thinks is the problem.
Talking about the problem may help children think of solutions.
- Redirect the child’s thinking (3-18 years).
When your child is arguing with you, avoid disagreement by
mentally sidestepping the main argument and gently turning
your child’s thinking to a more positive direction.
- Help with frustrating tasks (all ages).
When your child becomes frustrated to the point of losing
control, help her just enough to solve the problem. Give some
encouragement along with the help.
- Contract (all ages). Let your child do
what he wants to do only after finishing what he has to do.
The fun activity is the motivator for doing something more
difficult.
- Compromise (4-18 years). Look for a chance
to give your child a partial success when you have to say
no to an overall request.
- Show the child “how” (all ages).
Sometimes children don’t understand what you want or
know how to do what you expect. If necessary, demonstrate
very specifically what you mean by whining or how to do a
chore.
- Be consistent (all ages). Limits must
be consistently applied and enforced. Children are more likely
to respect limits when they realize their parents mean what
they say. Consistent limits provide security and direction
for children.
Confront the Situation
- Offer substitutes (2-16 years). When
your child is misbehaving with something, give him a similar,
but more acceptable, replacement.
- Remove the child from situations he or she cannot
handle (2-16 years). Gently remove your child from
a difficult situation where he is losing self-control.
- Say “NO!” (all ages). When
your child isn’t sure how serious you are about a
rule, get her attention and give a calm but firm sign of
your disapproval— sometimes called “the look.”
- Ignore irrelevant behavior (all ages).
Irrelevant behaviors are things your child does to keep
you from enforcing a rule. The behavior is often irritating,
but doesn’t actually break the rule. Ignore this behavior
(unless it bothers or is harmful to others) while enforcing
the rule. Paying attention to irrelevant behavior increases
the chance of that behavior happening again.
- Physically restrain the child (2-16 years).
If your child is in an out-of-control rage, gently but firmly
hold her to prevent her harming herself or others. Speak
in a reassuring, calm voice. Release your child as soon
as the aggressive behavior stops. If you have to use this
tool more than rarely with any age child, professional help
is needed.
- Have the child repeat the action (4-18 years).
If your child is careless or not concerned about how he
performs your responsible request, have him repeat the action
correctly.
- Give permission (all ages). When you
are not successful at stopping a minor form of misbehavior,
ask yourself if you’re expecting too much. You may
decide to back off before you make the problem worse.
Care for Yourself
- Tap into your parenting resources. Imagine
the problem situation and how you feel. Identify three feelings,
thoughts, or experiences you want to have when the difficulty
occurs. For example, you might want to be relaxed, patient,
and courageous. When you experience the problem, re-experience
the feelings and ideas you have associated with it.
- Relax. When you feel overwhelmed by stress,
take a moment to release physical tension. Take a deep breath
and sigh, smile to yourself, and release your muscle tension
as you breathe out.
- Take a break. Leave the situation to
give yourself a break. Go to the bedroom for a few moments,
or take a short walk. Ask a friend to watch your child,
if needed.
- Seek professional help. When you can’t
solve a serious problem on your own, ask for professional
assistance. A pediatrician, school counselor, teacher, member
of the clergy, or therapist may provide the insight and
support you need to deal with a problem. Seeking professional
help shows hope, not helplessness.
- Put the situation in perspective. It
is important for parents to understand why children misbehave.
Parents can respond more effectively when they are aware
of children's motives and goals.
References
Smith, Charles A., Ph.D. Responsive Discipline: Effective
Tools for Parents. Kansas State University Cooperative
Extension Service. 1993.
Swanson, Laurel and Susan Hansen. “Guidance Tools”.
Positive Parenting. St. Paul, MN: University of Minnesota
Extension Service. 1994.
Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting II: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1997). This product is no longer available.
