Search Extension:
Prepared by Minnell Tralle, University of Minnesota Extension Educator-Family Development.
Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations
Parenting is hard work. It is even harder for those with children who are always pushing the limits, find it hard to comply with requests, and are intense, persistent, and energetic. The parents may have a hard time coping and finding effective ways to parent these children. At the same time, the child may have low self-esteem and find it hard to relate well with parents, teachers, and friends.
One of the most common complaints parents have about their children is they are not compliant. Children with challenging behaviors find it harder to follow rules than most children. In some cases, these children act the way they do because of medical or genetic conditions. However, even those children may be helped considerably if the parents change their attitude, set clear boundaries and expectations for the child, and use parenting techniques geared specifically to spirited children.
A child with challenging behaviors may be called noncompliant, difficult, spirited, strong-willed, or active-alert. The child may be described as intense, persistent, sensitive, slow to adapt, or energetic. These characteristics are often attributed to temperament. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of Raising Your Spirited Child, describes certain characteristics:
Some challenging behaviors may be a result of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Others may come from Oppositional Defiant Disorder/Conduct Disorder. Children with ADHD are unable to regulate and maintain their behavior. The main symptoms are poor attention span, distractibility, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity. Children who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder are generally noncompliant. They are more highly irritable and likely to have negative moods than most children their age. Specific behaviors may include violating minor rules, having tantrums, arguing with authority figures, annoying others, blaming others for their own problems, and swearing. Children diagnosed with Conduct Disorder show a persistent pattern of violating the rights of others and paying no attention to accepted social norms and rules. These children may show deviant behavior at home, in the school, with other children, and in the community.
Parents are quick to ask, “Why is my child this way?” or “What have I done wrong?” There are no proven causes for children's challenging or oppositional behavior, but there are several things that may influence that behavior. They include temperament, genetics, heredity, a chemical imbalance in the brain, trauma, mood disorders, and response to a chaotic environment. Parenting styles and practices can also influence when these disorders start and their severity. Causes are discussed more fully in Michael Bloomquist's book, Skills Training for Children with Behavior Disorders.
The family could be compared to a mobile delicately balanced in the air. A slight touch or breeze affects not only the part of the mobile it touches, but the whole mobile moves and seeks to resume its balance. The same effect occurs when a family member is affected by a problem or crisis— the balance of the entire family is upset. The stress of dealing with challenging behaviors all of the time affects not only the relationships of the parents to the child, but the relationships of the child to the other children and the parents to each other. The family must continually adjust and readjust to the problems created by the challenging behaviors.
Parenting children with challenging behaviors is a process of understanding your child's needs, taking stock of your parenting skills, and taking care of yourself.
Understanding your child's needs and characteristics is the first step in parenting. In families where what is expected of the child is compatible with the child's temperament, abilities, and other characteristics, there is generally less stress and less conflict, and healthier development is more likely. The way a parent approaches disciplining, motivating, and just living with a child should take into account the temperament of the child.
It is critical that parents accept and affirm their difficult children. It is easy to develop a negative pattern of reacting to their behaviors with criticism and punishment. While the behaviors sometimes make their children “unlikable,” the children need to know that they have the unconditional love and support of their parents.
Children who are difficult can quickly learn to expect scolding and withdrawal by caregivers. They need affection, positive comments, and encouragement.
Parents can develop effective ways to manage their child's behavior by taking stock of their parenting skills. It may be necessary to learn new or creative parenting tech¬niques. For some practical parenting strategies, see the fact sheet “So What Can I Do?” (also available online).
The needs and demands of raising challenging children can be stressful to parents. Parents need to recognize their own stress signals and find appropri¬ate ways to cope. Parents also need to deal with any feelings of guilt or unrealized expecta¬tions they may have about their child.
Challenging behaviors range from mildly annoying to serious violations of social norms. Some behaviors can be managed by changing parenting strategies. Others require intervention by trained medical or mental health professionals. Do not be afraid to seek professional counseling if you feel that the child's behaviors are having a negative effect on the family or on the child's successful development. Strong families seek help when they need it.
Bloomquist, Michael L. A Parent's Skills Training Guide for Children with Attention Deficits and Disruptive Behavior. University of Minnesota: Department of Professional Development. 1992.
Budd, Linda L. Living with the Active Alert Child: Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents. Parenting Press. 1993.
Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy. Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic. Harper-Collins. 1992.
Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting I: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1995). This product is no longer available.
© 2011 Regents of the University of Minnesota. All rights reserved.
The University of Minnesota is an equal opportunity educator and employer.
