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Tips for Using Parenting Tools

Prepared by Joan Sprain, University of Minnesota Extension Educator.

Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations

With any hobby like gardening, woodworking, or cooking we use tools to build and create. Parenting too relies on tools to help nurture, teach, and guide children. All are much easier if there is an assortment of tools designed for specific purposes. Below are ten tips from other parents and professionals to consider when using positive parenting tools.

1. The more tools parents have, the more effective they will be.

Parents who have more choices will be less frustrated. Nurturance/prevention and guidance tools are more effective than consequences or punishment. They work!

2. Many parents already use positive parenting tools but may need to unlearn negative ones.

Often we find ourselves doing the very things our parents did even though we vowed we would never repeat the same behavior. There are many resources to help parents unlearn negative tools. It will help to affirm what you are doing positively.

3. Positive parenting tools offer options for teaching and solving problems with our children.

The normal parental responses to conflict with their children is to fight or to avoid the conflict. Positive tools help you work with children to prevent problems and help you solve them when they occur.

4. No one tool works every time.

A parent may have to experiment many times to find out what works with a particular child and situation.

5. No one tool works with every child.

It’s important to understand differences in stages of development, personality, and temperament of your children to determine what tools are appropriate to use.

6. There is no one right tool for every situation.

Children are different, conditions are different, parents are different. All contribute to individual circumstances.

7. When under stress, parents often resort to negative uses of tools.

Even the most skilled parents have bad days, crises, or problems that affect parenting. Just understanding the difference between positive parenting and negative parenting can help. Also, taking care of yourself can help make parenting a more positive experience.

8. The parenting tools used in the families in which we were raised are powerful influences.

Many of us experienced parenting extremes. Parenting tools were often negative and punitive or conditional. Jean Illsley Clark calls this uneven parenting. Today parents often use positive tools in negative ways. For example “time out” may not be used as a break in the action to calm down or to prevent misbehavior, but as a punishment for negative behavior.

9. Every positive tool parents use is a deposit in the emotional bank account.

A smile, a good word, a gentle hug add to the positive side of the ledger. Everything negative parents do to confront, to criticize, or to punish are withdrawals from that account.

10. Stand for something and use the tools to teach those values.

Parents need to know what they believe in and hope to accomplish with their children and choose tools accordingly.

References

Clarke, Jean Illsley. Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. Harper/ Hazelden. 1989.

Smith, Charles A., Ph.D. Responsive Discipline: Effective Tools for Parents. Kansas State University Cooperative Extension Service. 1993.

Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting II: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1997). This product is no longer available.