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Prepared by Rose Allen, University of Minnesota Extension Educator–Family Development, Ramsey County, MN.
Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations
Parents who have only a few choices on how to discipline will be frustrated more often. Violence and abuse are likely to increase when a parent's choices are used up. There are many tools you can use to keep children from misbehaving, to give them guidance, and to deal with misbehavior.
Every problem may require a different discipline tool or combination of tools. Parents have to be flexible as they decide how to discipline their children. You may have to experiment to find out what works with a particular child and situation. Nothing works all the time.
Discipline works best when parents understand their child, themselves, and the situation. Think and then act. The key is not to react immediately when a child does something wrong. Think about what is really happening, calm yourself, and then act.
Strength and power are associated with confidence, self-respect, and love— not brute force. There is a difference between authority figures and bullies. Punishment should be used as little as possible and only when necessary after prevention and guidance efforts have failed. Physical punishment is never appropriate. Self-esteem, self-control, and a healthy conscience cannot be encouraged in a child through fear and intimidation.
Raising a child is hard work. Parents need to combine love with firmness, success with disappointment, and thought with action. A parent who knows and loves a child will find the best solutions. Teachers, therapists, guidance counselors, writers, and social workers can help and encourage you. Parents have to be willing to think, struggle, and love.
Parents need to believe that their efforts will make a difference over time. They must accept the challenges that occur at every stage of a child's development. The most parents can expect of themselves is to make the best choice they can at any given time. They must have faith that their love and guidance, as imperfect as they may be, will help nurture their children as they grow.
Everything parents do that is positive and uplifting is a deposit in the account. A smile, a good word, a gentle hug add to the positive side of the ledger. Everything parents do to confront, to criticize, or to punish are withdrawals from that account. Some negatives are bound to happen, but to avoid a bankruptcy in the relationship, deposits must exceed withdrawals.
Parents need to know what they hope to accomplish with their children. Avoid wasting energy over things that are not important. A parent's behavior clearly tells the child what values or principles guide his or her life. You must act with purpose.
Parents want their children's love. It can be difficult to remain firm with an important decision when a child becomes angry. But parents cannot wilt before the heat of their children's anger. Parents who act in good faith and in the best interests of their children will earn the love they deserve in the end.
Parents can make their own choices regardless of the treatment they received as children. Making a break with the past in order to stop a cycle of abuse and neglect can be very difficult. But parents with painful pasts are not doomed to repeat the mistakes of their parents. The key to breaking from the past is to make a deliberate choice to treat your children differently than you were treated. There is power in having choices.
Before you respond to your child's misbehavior, try to imagine the future. Will you regret the action you plan to take? Will you be proud of what you have done? When your children grow up, what kind of relationship will you have with each other?
Discipline mistakes tell parents what does not work and what must be changed. Mistakes also mark a beginning point for starting over and a chance to break with the past. Excellence does not mean being perfect.
Raising a child requires immense faith and patience. Quick results are rarely achieved. The most important goals take a long time to achieve. Setbacks and mistakes do not mean failure— they show parents they are trying.
Smith, Charles A., Ph.D. Responsive Discipline: Effective Tools for Parents. Kansas State University Cooperative Extension Service. 1993.
Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting I: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1995). This product is no longer available.
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