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Prepared by Madeleine M. Alberts, University of Minnesota Extension Educator.
Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations
Parents often feel guilty and responsible when their challenging children act in ways that seem inappropriate. This is understandable, because parents usually believe their children's behavior is a reflection of how well they parent. However, in some cases these intense, sensitive, challenging children are acting the way they do because of medical or genetic conditions that can't be changed by a change in parenting style.
Even in these extreme cases, though, children may be helped considerably if parents change their point of view, make sure their expectations and commands are clear and understood, and use some parenting techniques geared specifically to spirited children.
This publication suggests some strategies parents can use to help their challenging children learn more about boundaries, self-discipline, and appropriate ways to express their feelings and stresses. Trying these ideas may help parents avoid using punishment or unnecessary restrictions.
A parent's attitude toward a child's behavior can make a great deal of difference in whether the behavior is seen as a problem or not. What one parent might find a problem, another parent might see as personal growth for the child, or merely an expression of the child's emotions.
Here's an example: A mom told a story about her daughter who was very free in expressing how she felt to her mother, sometimes in language that was less than desirable. The mom's friends told her that she shouldn't allow her child to “back talk” like that. But the mom didn't see it as back talk. She knew her daughter respected her, and she felt her daughter ought to be able to express herself freely and safely to her mom. So she continued to accept this behavior, even though her friends, and even her husband, commented on it at times.
Try this: Make a list of the child's characteristics or behaviors that are the most difficult to accept. List them all— picky, nosy, unpredictable, etc. Then look at the list, and try to rename the characteristics or behaviors in a more positive way.
| Is your child: | Try calling it: |
| Demanding? | Holding high standards. |
| Spoiled? | Expresses his/her needs and wants. |
| Into everything? | Curious and eager to learn. |
| Wild? | Zestful, energetic. |
Using these positive labels and ways of viewing a child's behavior may not only change the parents' perspective, but can also help the child have a more positive self-image. This doesn't mean that inappropriate behavior should be watered down and made acceptable by calling it something positive. But some of the negative labels put on children are really personality characteristics that can be viewed in different ways. Even if the behavior is still a nuisance to the parent, it is more tolerable when the parent can think of its more positive meaning or see it from the child's point of view.
Sometimes, parents believe they have to maintain power and control in every situation in order to be effective. This kind of power stance sets a child up for noncompliance, either out of rebelliousness, or because there are so many rules that the child can't possibly remember them all.
Parents don't have to have things go their way all the time. Families need to work together to choose which things are important and which aren't so important, and let children succeed in their quest for independence on those issues that aren't so important. In fact, it may be a good idea to look for opportunities to allow children to succeed in achieving that independence.
Children respond to rewards and attention. If they receive rewards and attention for negative behavior, they are likely to repeat it. Even negative attention is attention.
Unfortunately, many parents reward negative behavior routinely. Instead of giving attention for good behavior, they operate on a sort of “let sleeping dogs lie” principle and pay attention to children only when they cause a problem. Who gets the candy in the supermarket checkout line? Not the child who is peacefully sucking her thumb. Most often, it's the one who is whining or throwing a fit and embarrassing the parent. When parents respond to a child's bad behavior, the child is rewarded for being a pain instead of a pleasure!
Losing a parent's attention is punishment in itself. If children know they can regain the parent's attention only by behaving differently— by stopping yelling, for instance— it can be a powerful motivation to behave appropriately.
Spirited children are especially at risk for challenging behaviors when their regular routine or current activity is interrupted. They often have difficulty dealing with change, especially if it occurs without notice or preparation.
A way to help minimize this problem is to prepare the child for the change in advance. If the child is playing outside, but soon will have to interrupt this activity to go grocery shopping with dad, it will help the transition if dad gives the child a warning before actually taking her away from the activity. Before the child even goes outside, dad can let her know that they will be going grocery shopping after a while. This way, the seed is planted in the child's mind. Then, 15 minutes before it's time to leave, he can go outside and say, “You have a little more time to play. I will come and let you know once more before you have to come in and get ready to go.” If the child is old enough to understand time, tell her exactly how much time she has left. Then at five minutes, provide another warning. This way, the child has a chance to adjust her attitude over time, instead of being dragged into a new activity before she's ready.
Prepare a child for an unusual or different event by telling him, “Today is the day we have an appointment with the doctor,” or “After church today we'll be visiting your grandparents.” This warning allows the child to mentally prepare. Because adults are making the decisions, they know when the transitions are going to occur. Sharing that information with the child as well can help the transitions go more smoothly for everyone. One caution however: Parents of challenging children have reported that it is possible to over-prepare children for a new event to the point that they become stressed about it, thus creating the kind of behavior the parents are trying to prevent. It is often enough to make a simple statement of fact, such as, “Tomorrow is the day for the school program.”
Whenever possible, give a child choices about behavior, food, clothing, bedtime, etc. This not only helps children learn to make decisions, but it also gives them a sense of having some control over their environment, something that children with challenging behaviors are trying to achieve. It is very important when parents give children choices that all the choices are OK with the parents. If one option is not acceptable, don't offer it as a choice. Some examples:
“I have laid three outfits on your bed. You can wear whichever one you want.”
“We are having roast beef for dinner. Would you like your carrots cooked or raw?”
“It is 8:00. You can go to bed at 8:15 and I'll read to you for 15 minutes, or you can go to bed at 8:30 and go right to sleep, with no reading.”
A lot of inappropriate behavior happens because children and parents don't have a clear understanding of what is expected. A parent should not assume the child knows what is expected. The rules and expectations need to be stated clearly, perhaps even written down, so the child knows what they are. Many parents have been challenged by children who said, “But I didn't know that wasn't OK with you!” Sometimes it's a ploy on the child's part, but other times the child really doesn't know. Clearly stating expectations eliminates both possibilities.
In addition, be sure commands are clearly stated. Parents may think they are being clear, but the child hears something different from what the parent intends. One way to solve this problem is to ask the child to repeat back what he or she understood: “I just asked you to do something. What did you hear me say?” Checking out what the child heard ensures that the parent's expectation and the child's interpretation are the same.
There are other ways commands can be ineffective. They can be too vague, such as “Shape up,” or “Knock it off.” Exactly what is to be knocked off is open to interpretation by the child. The command should state exactly what the parent expects: “I want you to take your feet off the table.” Even the common phrase, “Clean your room” is too vague, because the child's interpretation of “clean” may be very different from that of the parent. Instead, state specifically what is expected: “Pick up all your clothes off your floor and put them in the hamper if they are dirty, or in your drawer if they are clean.”
Commands given in the form of a question can also lead to noncompliance. The classic example, of course, is, “Do you want to go to bed?” Most children are not going to eagerly jump to their feet and bounce off to bed in response to this question. An expectation or command should not be stated in the form of a question, because it offers the child an option of whether to comply or not.
Another way a command can be ineffective is to offer explanations as to why the child needs to comply: “You need to get dressed now because if you don't, we'll be late for our appointment.” This offers the child the option of debating the rationale: “No, we won't be late. I can get dressed in two minutes.”
Children can be overwhelmed or confused by too many commands combined together and they are unlikely to be able to remember them all. Spirited children need single, clear commands or statements of expectation rather than long, complicated requests.
Children learn a great deal from watching the behavior of the adults around them. If parents practice behaviors they tell their children not to do (such as smoking or swearing), the children will get mixed messages about what behavior is appropriate. In addition, what the parents actually do has more impact on the child's behavior than what the parents say.
This is often easier said than done! When a child is acting in a way that is inappropriate, provide control for the child. If a simple “No” and a quick explanation work, that is the best solution. A parent might say, “I won't let you (do this). It is not acceptable.” The implied message here is that the parent will provide control for the child right now, but eventually, the child will be expected to control himself or herself.
If verbal control won't stop the behavior, physical control may be necessary. This does not mean physical punishment, which is not only ineffective in solving the problem long-term, but can also work in opposition to what the parent is trying to do. Some possibilities for physically controlling children include: simply moving closer to them, picking them up and removing them from the situation, holding them on a lap, giving them a hug.
An alternative to constantly saying no or nagging at a child to do something is to use the “When/Then” rule. Here's how it works: If you've been trying to get your child to pick up toys, and he wants to watch a video instead, say this: “When you've put all your books on this shelf, then you can watch the video.” Or, “When you wash your hands, then you may have a snack.”
Be sure to put it in the right order— the When should come first, so the child has no chance to misunderstand or get things backwards.
With the “broken record” technique, when a child argues about a command, the parent simply repeats the command after each challenge until the arguing stops. If a parent sticks to this “broken record” technique, the child may eventually run out of steam and comply. Remember— not everything works with every child!
Parenting can be more fun and even more effective if parents can have a sense of humor about things. Being able to laugh with your child, and at yourself as a parent, can lighten up a situation that has the potential to be challenging. Be careful, though, not to laugh at the child— at least, not in a situation where the child's self-esteem can be hurt. Laughter and play can help create a very loving relationship between parents and children— even challenging children!
Erickson, Martha Farrell. Through The Eyes of the Child. Family Information Services. 1994.
Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy. Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic. Harper-Collins. 1992.
Ronald L. Pitzer, Family Sociologist, University of Minnesota Extension Service, St. Paul, MN.
Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting I: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1995). This product is no longer available.
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