Guidelines for Setting Consequences with Your Child
Prepared by Bernadette Mayek, University of Wisconsin Extension
Family Living Educator, Waupaca County, WI.
Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations
Strategies for parents to use
to teach natural and logical consequences rather than punishment
to change the child’s behavior.
Reasonable consequences are tools to use when nurturance,
prevention, and guidance tools don’t work and your children
misbehave. Consequences teach a child what not to do. Consequences
alone, however, cannot teach children the values and skills
that are important for self-worth, problem solving, and self-control.
Consequences without prevention is cruel; consequences without
guidance will not be effective.
Guidance is the core of effective discipline—teaching
children what is right and wrong, helping them learn how to
take responsibility for their actions, and teaching them how
to relate positively with others.
Guidelines for Consequences
- The consequences must occur close in time to the misbehavior.
- Children must be able to tell right from wrong.
- Children must realize that the unpleasant experience is
the result of their own deliberate misbehavior, not their
parents’ anger.
- Consequences must be consistent.
- The consequence must make sense and not be more severe
than the misbehavior.
- Respond in private.
- Use consequences rarely.
Non-Violent Consequences
Each of these nonviolent consequences is an alternative to
spanking. These tools must be used with the nurturance, prevention,
and guidance tools.
- Expect repayment (6–18 years). Insist that your child
reimburse others for losses she caused. Help her make a plan
for doing so.
- Use a time out (3–12 years). Time out is a way of
correcting behavior by placing your misbehaving child in a
quiet place alone for a few minutes and then talking about
the problem. Time out is a short, boring time away from other
people. The younger the child, the shorter the time out. A
good rule is to use one minute for every year of the child’s
age. You can use time out with children when they are noisy,
fighting, or doing something so annoying you can’t ignore
it.
It is best to approach time out as a way to calm everyone involved,
not as a way to punish your child. Never send a child to a locked
room, confined space, or other frightening location. For more
information, check the “Time Out” fact sheet (also
available online).
Allow natural consequences (all ages).
Let your child experience
the natural results of his or her misbehavior. These results
shouldn’t be harmful to your child, but unpleasant enough
to motivate your child to change.Introduce logical consequences (all ages).
Impose a sanction
that is reasonable and logically connected to the misbehavior.
The child is “disciplined” by this consequence
of her action. If Amy persistently leaves her toys in the
yard after finishing play, place them in a bag and put it
out of reach in the garage. For more information, check the
“Natural and Logical Consequences” fact sheet
(also available online).Express strong disappointment (all ages).
Describe your
own honest feelings of discouragement or concern about your
child’s misbehavior. Children want to please their parents;
your disappointment is a punishment.Lose a privilege/earn back a privilege (ages 4–18).
Loss of a privilege can be an effective tool. For example,
if a child continues to ride his bike without a helmet, the
bike could be taken away for a period of time. Explain what
you’re taking away and why in a firm but friendly manner.
Make a bargain with your child. If there is something she
wants to do, find a way she can earn that privilege by correcting
a misbehavior.Ground the child (6–18 years).
If your child understands
that he has misbehaved by missing a curfew or traveling into
forbidden territory, limit him to home or yard for a reasonable
length of time.
References
Smith, Charles A., Ph.D. Responsive Discipline: Effective
Tools for Parents. Kansas State University Cooperative
Extension Service. 1993.
Wyckoff, Jerry and Barbara C. Unell. Disciplining Without
Shouting or Spanking. Meadowbrook Press. 1984.
Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting I: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1995). This product is no longer available.
