Listening Skills
Prepared by Faden Fulleylove-Krause, University of Wisconsin
Extension Family Living Agent, Calumet County, WI; Rebecca
Hagen-Jokela, University of Minnesota Extension Educator–Family
Development, Carlton County, MN; and Ronald L. Pitzer, Family
Sociologist, University of Minnesota.
Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations
There are many ways to discipline children. One way is to
listen to them. Often busy parents fail to listen to and notice
their children. When children feel they have something important
to say or to show and are repeatedly ignored or tuned out
by an insensitive or “too busy” adult, they may
do one of two things, neither of which is desirable:
- The child may give up and quit trying. The result is a
child who does not communicate well. This stifles the growth
of the child's mind, personality, ability, and self-confidence.
OR
- The child may misbehave to get the attention he or she
cannot get in any other way. This behavior will usually
get the attention of the adult, but may cause the adult
to punish the child as well.
Why Listening Is Important
Nothing makes a person feel more cared about than to be
listened to.
Look for ways to spend special time with your
child. Even if it is only for 10 minutes, take time to be
with the child as an interested, nonjudgmental friend. Be
ready to talk about or do anything the child wants to do.Listening increases understanding of and sensitivity to
other people's feelings.
Make talking with your child a habit
from birth on. Encourage the child to react to what is said.
Avoid yes-or-no questions. Instead, use questions that explore
the child's feelings and imagination. Involve the child in
decision-making.Listening can reduce emotional tension.
Communicate and
express feelings in a way that helps others understand. Find
healthy and appropriate ways to express anger. Don't blame
or attack the child, but explain what makes you mad. Use “I”-statements,
not “You”-statements. Don't label the child, but
focus on the child's behavior. Avoid shaming questions and
sarcastic comments, as these lead to lowered self-esteem and
defensiveness. Children copy what they see and hear.Listening can help break the cycle of unhealthy talk.
Everyone's
feelings have worth. Show kids that you acknowledge and respect
what they have to say. Anyone is more likely to listen to
someone who affirms rather than denies their experiences.Listening makes it possible for children to be caring and
responsible.
Listen with respect. Children's concerns are
different from ours, but the emotions they feel are the same.
Give the child freedom to express feelings and views without
fear of ridicule or judgment. Listening well is a major act
of loving and caring. Speaking to a parent or significant
adult who listens can help children extend themselves and
learn more about themselves.Listening sets early patterns for life-long communication
skills.
If you react with time and respect to what children
say, you teach them that they are important, help them trust
their own perceptions, improve communication, and make it
easier to talk to them in the future. The investment of “listening
time” pays off in trust and courtesy.
Principles of Good Listening
Use silent and one-word neutral responses.
Instead of responding
with advice, commands, conclusions, solutions, or lectures
use a one-word neutral response like “uhha,” “I
see,” or “yeah.” Silent acknowledgement
of what the child is saying, like a nod of the head or a shrug
of the shoulders, is useful too.Listen for feeling and meaning.
Be an active listener.
Listen for the feelings your children are trying to communicate.
This means listen¬ing to both verbal and nonverbal communications
and acknowledging what they are saying so they will say more.Listen to your children even when you don't like what you
are hearing.
Often it's the content of the message that the
parent doesn't want to hear. If the child is feeling pain,
don't jump to solutions before the child can express and deal
with them. A parent's first job is to help children identify
their feelings, and then to help them make a responsible decision
about what they should do. Sometimes adults don't like to
hear a child's message because it is said in an angry, loud,
or disrespectful way. Even at these times it is important
to listen and reflect back the child's feelings. At a more
calm time, the adult can express concern with the manner in
which the message was conveyed and recommend or problem-solve
with the child a more appropriate way to share feelings.Repeat back what you heard the child say— and check
out your interpretation.
Reflecting back the feelings and
meanings that you hear helps you understand the true meaning,
helps your children further explore their feelings and actions,
and affirms the feelings they are having.Don't always take your child's questions or comments at
face value.
Sometimes children have hidden fears that they
are unable to directly ask about. The questions they ask may
be a way of asking for reassurance. If adults take the question
at its face value, they may miss what is at the heart of the
child's concerns.Be aware of nonverbal messages.
The words being spoken
are only part of the message. Watch for nonverbal cues such
as a hunched posture, a clenched fist, lack of eye contact.
These cues may help put the words in context.
This fact sheet contains several ideas that can help adults
listen better to children. The rewards of being a good listener
are sometimes reaped instantly in a closer relationship with
the child; sometimes the rewards are reaped years later when
an older child tells you how much you have been appreciated.
The practice of communication skills is not always easy, and
you may find you make some mistakes. But keep the overall goal
of being a good listener in mind and keep practicing. It can
make a difference in how you feel about yourself as a parent
and the children in your life will certainly be healthier because
you listened to them. Most important, you will feel closer to
them.
References
Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting I: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1995). This product is no longer available.
