Dealing with a Child's Anger
Prepared by Rose Allen, University of Minnesota Extension
Educator-Family Development, Ramsey County, MN.
Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations
Anger. It's one of our feelings, and it's an okay feeling
to have. Just as children have a right to be happy, sad, lonely,
or bored, they also have a right to feel angry. Many parents
find it difficult to deal with a child's anger. It's hard
to know how best to respond, and anger takes a toll on parents,
both physically and emotionally.
Because anger is inevitable, parents need to help children
learn how to deal with this often confusing and frightening
feeling. Parents also need to learn how to handle an angry
child, and how to manage their own anger to keep the relationship
between parent and child safe and open.
What Causes Anger in Young Children?
- Frustration
- Needing attention
- Feeling powerless
- Being misunderstood
- Not feeling good about themselves
- Feeling helpless
- Being belittled or made fun of
- Not having physical needs taken care of
- Having a parent take over instead of asking if the child
wants help
- Being disappointed
- Having difficulty saying what they need
- Being punished
How Can Parents Keep Children from Getting Angry?
Catch children being good.
Pay attention to the good things children do and tell them.
For example, “I appreciate your hanging up your clothes,
even though you still wanted to play.” We often tell
children more about what is wrong than what is right about
their behavior. When children hear good things about what
they do, they feel better about themselves and they learn
how to act in ways that please their parents.Make sure their physical needs are
met.
A child who needs exercise or is hungry, thirsty,
tired, or sick is more likely to get angry when something
doesn't go right.Plan the environment.
Take
a look at the places your child lives in. If there are too
many objects she shouldn't touch, no place just for her, or
not enough space for play, make some changes. Move objects
out of reach and don't leave things she shouldn't have about.
Child-proof the house.Show interest in your child's activities.
Children will often try to get you involved in what they're
doing, and sometimes you may act annoyed at the interruption.
The result may be that your child will misbehave to get your
attention. The best prevention is to balance your attention
to your child's activities with your own needs. If you cannot
give attention to what your child is doing at that time, explain
why and promise to spend time later with the child.Interpret situations.
Explain
to the child why a particular situation or behavior is causing
a problem. For example, when another child is acting mean,
explain that it could be because the child is tired. Even
very young children can learn to understand the reasons for
problems, and this helps children learn how to understand
their own behavior better.Build a positive self-image.
Help children see themselves as valued and valuable. Encourage
them to do their best. Believe in them.Demonstrate appropriate behavior.
Remember, you're a role model. The example you set will be
reflected in your child's behavior, both good and bad.
What Can Parents Do When a Child Starts Getting Angry?
- Show affection. Sometimes all a child needs to help regain
control when frustrated or anxious is a sudden hug or some
other show of affection.
- Ignore minor misbehavior. Often children misbehave to get
your attention. Ignoring behavior that both of you know is
inappropriate is one good way to send your child a message
that you don't approve. Make sure you don't ignore the child,
just the behavior.
- Ease the tension through humor. Gently kidding a child
out of a temper tantrum offers her the opportunity to save
face. Be sure not to tease or be sarcastic.
- Appeal to the child's sense of right. Tell your child how
you feel about a particular behavior and ask him to consider
your feelings. For example, if a child is making an annoying
noise, ask him to stop it and explain how the noise is making
your headache worse.
- Say NO! Limits should be clearly defined for children.
When a child breaks a rule, letting her know she has stepped
over the line is important. This helps remind her of the rule
and lets her know she is responsible for the consequences
of breaking the rule.
What Should Parents Do When a Child Has a Temper Tantrum?
- Avoid physical punishment. Hitting or spanking a child for
acting aggressive or doing something wrong is guaranteed to
backfire. Don't demonstrate behavior you don't want your child
to imitate.
- Accept your child's anger. Let your child know his feelings
of anger are appropriate. Make sure your child knows you are
there to help him with the problem when he is ready. If the
anger is being expressed in inappropriate ways, suggest other
ways the child can express his feelings.
- Teach a child how to express anger with words. Talking is
a good way to get rid of feelings of anger and frustration.
When your child becomes worked up, encourage her to use her
words rather than hitting, grabbing, or using some other physical
action.
- Respond to temper tantrums with care and concern. When your
child resorts to a tantrum to express his needs, your response
is critical. This is the time your child needs you most. He
needs you to remain calm (not an easy thing to do), he needs
to be comforted, and he needs your help to regain control.
Some strategies include:
- Ignore the tantrum if you can.
- Use a time out to give your child a chance to calm down.
- Take a time out yourself.
- Remove your child from the situation.
- Hold your child closely.
- Talk softly to your child.
- Try to figure out what your child wants and needs.
Tantrums are powerful tools for children to use to get their
needs met. Parents need to help children find other ways of
expressing their needs. If you give in to tantrums, whining,
and other negative methods of expressing anger your child will
find it hard to understand other points of view, to develop
assertive ways of dealing with anger, and to relate well to
other people.
Your Attitude Is the Key
Anger is a feeling we all have. It is normal for children to
feel anger. And when they do, they often find it frightening.
Parents need to help children learn how to manage their anger
and how to channel it into positive action.
References
Eastman, Meg, Ph.D. Taming the Dragon in Your Child.
New York, NY: John Wiley and Sons, Inc. 1994.
Pitzer, Ronald L. “How Can I Handle an Angry, Aggressive
Child?”. Young Families. St. Paul, MN: University
of Minnesota Extension Service. Summer 1993.
Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting I: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1995). This product is no longer available.
