...connecting community needs
and University resources...

Topics

• Agriculture
• Community
• Environment
• Family
• Garden
• Youth

Workshops

Find convenient educational offerings and e-learning

The Extension Store

Shop Extension for educational materials

Online Parenting Resources

Catch Your Child Being Good

Prepared by Linda Heppner, University of Wisconsin Extension Family Living Agent, Barron County, WI.

Reviewed November 2008 by Kathleen Olson, Extension Education - Family Relations

How would you feel if your boss constantly noticed all the bad things you did and never gave you credit for the good things you did? Children can have the same reaction.

Many parents spend a good deal of time attending to their children when they’re misbehaving. However, when they are behaving appropriately, parents often don’t say or do anything. The attention parents give their children when they do misbehave is generally negative and may include criticism, complaints, threats, and even hitting. This often leads to more inappropriate behavior by the child.

Dennis the Menace / by H. Ketcham

Boy, I never get any thanks for the stuff I didn’t do.

Used by permission of North American Syndicate.

A typical scene might be:

1. The parent criticizes the child.
2. The child begins to argue.
3. The parent gets angry.

As a result, a negative cycle develops.

Give Attention for Good Behavior

A major principle of positive discipline is giving more attention to behavior that pleases and less attention to that which does not. Children crave attention. Parental approval is a powerful force. Being noticed is rewarding. Some children are only noticed when they are causing problems. These children need to be “caught being good.”

That’s not easy when their undesirable behavior is very noticeable and their desirable behavior is not as obvious. It’s not easy when you are used to more criticism than praise yourself. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort.

Catch ’Em Being Good

Consciously use smiles, gestures, and verbal comments when you really like what your child is doing.

• Tell them exactly what you liked. Pick out behaviors, ideas, or personal characteristics that please you.
• Be specific! Praise the behavior, idea, or characteristic— not the child. Example: “I like how you picked up your room,” rather than “Thanks for being so good.”
• Be physical! Try using a hug, a smile, or a touch on the shoulder.
• Catch them in the act if you can. The more immediate your recognition is, the more likely children will associate the good feelings they have with the behavior they did.

Avoid Backhanded Compliments

Be careful! No backhanded compliments such as “It’s about time you did such a nice job of cleaning your room” or “This is nice, BUT . . .” This is giving a compliment and then taking it away.

Remember that children will settle for negative attention if that’s all they get. So make sure they get plenty of attention when they’re doing what you want. At the end of each day, think about how often you caught your child being good.

References

Ronald L. Pitzer, Family Sociologist, University of Minnesota Extension Service, St. Paul, MN.

Adapted with permission from Positive Parenting II: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1997). This product is no longer available.