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Table of Contents

• Introduction
• The Link Between Stress and Ambiguous Loss
• One Family's Story
• Shifting Gears for Survival
• What Is Ambiguous Loss?
• Family Meetings as the Turning Point
• How to Organize Family Meetings
• Where Do We Go from Here?
• Appendix: Ideas for Change

Preface

I am especially pleased to write for farm families, because I grew up in one. In spite of migrating to the city and the academic culture, I have never forgotten the farm life--its pleasures and its challenges. My parents struggled endlessly, farming on shares, never getting ahead, and constantly worrying about how to get food on the table. When I was in fifth grade they finally were able to borrow enough money to buy their own farm, one that no one else wanted because the barn had just burned down. Their struggle continued, now with the added burden of a mortgage, but my memory of all of it was that life was good.

Yet change became necessary. My parents were getting older and not as able to work from dawn to dusk anymore. One son had serious hay fever and allergies; the other died of polio. The two daughters, my sister and I, both wanted to be teachers. There was no reason for my parents to continue the struggle. They sold the cows and much of the land, living into their old age on a few beautiful acres that realtors now call a farmette. Their love of the countryside remained, and mine did too. Though I chose another life, my respect and appreciation for those who continue family farming is immense. I stand with my hat off in awe to the men and women who make it work; not only financially, but also personally in their marriages and families.

What I write in this booklet is meant to be read by farm men and women, and sometimes their children. It provides a new way to look at threatened farm lifestyles through the use of questions and ideas so that you can assess your own situation and find your own answers. Using this guide for thinking and talking with each other, you will hopefully discover new options for how to keep your way of life in spite of global changes.

Farm husbands and wives need to nourish their partnership during these challenging times. If your partnership breaks down, your family farm lifestyle is threatened no matter how profitable it is. During uncertain times, it is especially essential for husband and wife--as co-leaders--to talk together, share, listen, plan, and revise. One partner cannot afford to simply guess at what the other is thinking. Together, you need to find some common ground about how to proceed.

Professionals who work with farm families may also find this discussion guide useful as they work in rural communities.

Introduction

The story about family farming today is "not knowing" what the story is. Most family farmers are not on their own anymore, not in charge of their own destinies, and not able to succeed even with hard work. They are intertwined with an urban sprawl and global economy so pervasive that their devotion to the land no longer determines success or failure. Pick up any newspaper, and you see dizzying complexity--China now wants American farm products; France does not. The citizens are picketing the American fast food McDonald's in their town; Europeans resist American farm products that are gene-altered or chemically treated; Japan wants high-quality Minnesota pork. As the market shifts in such unpredictable ways, what is the future of the family farm? Powerful world forces control the destinies of family farmers today. Working harder and harder isn't helping. But a shift in gears and a new way of seeing the situation might.

Information is power. A daughter teaches her parents to use technology that helps them find options for their farm.

This booklet is a discussion guide to help you and your family shift gears. No one can give you answers for your specific situation, but we ask new questions so that you might see your situation in a new light. In this way, we hope you and your family will discover together some new options, some hope in the future of the family farm. With so much uncertainty in the outcome of one's hard work, and so much ambiguity in a way of life--losing land, losing animals, losing face, sometimes even a marriage--farm men and women must find another way to regain some control over their lives.

Farming has, however, always been about ambiguity--from outside forces like the weather, crops, insects, diseases, and indeed, the market. I remember well the tension in my family (in the early 1940s) when crops were threatened, when tornadoes shook our house, when cows got sick and there was no money for a veterinarian, when drought ruined the corn, and when rain ruined the hay. We struggled and persevered. But today, in 2000, the force of a global market has catapulted farming into a global enterprise.

The worldwide competition today outweighs even those uncertainties of weather and pestilence that have historically created trouble for family farmers. For centuries farmers have overcome those uncertainties, but this new one--the global market--becomes for many small farmers the straw that breaks their back. This new giant may be too much to overcome in spite of hard work and absolute devotion to the land.

How Does What We Know About Family Stress Link to Ideas About Ambiguous Loss?

1. Stress can be caused by change or the threat of change. The threat of change in one's way of life would be stressful for anyone.
2. In spite of unwanted change, people have the potential to recover and thrive, but ambiguity about what is lost, and what is not, complicates coping with stress or recovery from crisis.
3. Information is power. It helps us see new options and make decisions, but when there is a lack of information, when you don't know for sure if you are going to fail or succeed or if the crops will bring high prices or not, it is difficult to make decisions. Yet, share what you do know--good or bad--with your family. Make everyone part of the family team. Don't shelter anyone from worrisome news. Children don't need details, but they should know generally what their parents are worried about. Not knowing is worse than knowing. What children imagine their parents are worried about may be far worse than the worst news you can tell them.
4. Not knowing can freeze you in place. Ambiguity causes depression and prevents you from making decisions. Ambiguity can immobilize even the strongest man or woman. But it doesn't have to.

Produced by Communication and Educational Technology Services, University of Minnesota Extension.

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