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Do you want your teen to be more responsible? The process of being ready to leave home and take responsibility for oneself will be different for every teen.
A basic strategy for parents is to give their young person opportunities to assume responsibility for some of their actions prior to the time of leaving home. Together, parents and teens should determine how much responsibility the teen could handle to avoid a dilemma. The process gets difficult when parents want control and don’t want their teen making mistakes. Parents need to consider the difference between “guiding” and “controlling” decisions.
Consider the amount of control you use. Parents who expect their orders to be carried out simply because “I said so” are setting the stage for trouble. That attitude does not automatically prevent irresponsible behavior. On the other hand, assuming teenagers can be left entirely on their own isn’t the answer either. Adults who tell teenagers what to do and how they should do it may have good intentions but usually get poor results. Teens need to gain experience thinking and choosing for themselves.
Provide opportunities to choose. Young people sometimes appear to make choices without really thinking about what’s involved or the consequences of their actions. Teens may have thought about a choice or weighed consequences and come up with a choice different from that of their parents. In order for teens to develop the ability to make decisions they must gradually be given opportunities to make up their own minds without someone else trying to do it for them. Start by giving teens more choice in day-to-day activities. Does it really make a difference how they style their hair, wear a certain outfit, or clean their room? Trying to control teens by insisting they do exactly as they’re told prevents them from learning how to think and choose for themselves.
Involve teens in decisions about the rules they’re expected to follow. This is an excellent way to help teens assume more responsibility for themselves. In the majority of cases when teens understand why a rule is necessary and have helped their parents determine the rule as well as the consequence, they are more likely to comply.
Pitzer, R. (1999). Positive Parenting of Teens: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum. St. Paul, MN: University of Minnesota Extension. (This curriculum is no longer available.)
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