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Information for Parents and Caregivers of Teens

Teens and Friendships: Parents Still Have Influence

Colleen Gengler, Extension Educator in Family Relations

The importance of friends to teenagers is well known. Teens often describe their best friends as the ones who “understand exactly how I feel and will stick by me no matter what.” Because teens are maturing, they are able to understand how complicated personalities can be allowing for more tolerance and acceptance when friends don’t agree on everything.

Parents have a role in helping their teen develop healthy social friendships. The first is to remain close to your adolescent. Probably the most important thing a parent can do is to keep a strong bond with their teen through the teen years. A close relationship with parents is the best insurance the young person will choose friends parents appreciate. It also helps the teen resist negative peer pressure. Even if they say otherwise, these young adults want and need the security of knowing that parents are there for them.

Guidelines to help parents include:

• Know your adolescent’s friends. If you welcome them into your home and show a genuine interest, teens are less likely to see their parents and friends as opposing forces.
• Don’t jump to hasty conclusions based on dress, appearance, language or interests. Sometimes adolescents go to extremes to prove they are independent and not like their parents by “trying on” different social identities. Or teens may use slang or terms new to their parents and try out new things. Negative comments from parents can cause teens and their friends to retreat.
• Make room for peer activities. Young people need time with their friends. Offer your home as a place for gatherings. Don’t feel hurt if your teen doesn’t want to accompany you for every visit or family event. But, do make sure he/she is part of the most important family gatherings. Consider having your teen invite a friend along occasionally. For younger teens, offer to drive them to events.
• If your child is hanging out with friends you are concerned about, monitor activities more closely. If there is a particular friend you are concerned about, don’t greet the friend with open arms. Your lack of response will cue in your teen. Don’t say anything negative either, as your child will likely become defensive and your relationship may become strained.

There are four situations when parents may have cause for worry. If your adolescent has no friends, he may need some help on how to be a friend. If the problem persists, counseling may be needed. If your teen is secretive about social life, he/she may be associating with peers of which you won’t approve. Or your teen may be convinced you won’t like the friends. Have a talk to figure out why.

Two other circumstances include having friends much older and losing interest in friends. If all your teen’s friends are much older, the teen could be involved in harmful activities such as drinking and other drug use. Take the risk and be assertive and firm about behavior and what is acceptable and what is not. You may wish to seek professional help. Losing interest in friends and wanting to be alone for more than a two week period may indicate depression. Again, you may need outside help.

Friends are so important to teens. Because of that importance, parents should play a role in supporting their teen’s healthy friendships.