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“Seeing is believing. I wouldn’t have seen it if I hadn’t believed it.” That statement by Ashleigh Brilliant captures the power of perception as a force in human behavior. Parents need to be aware of the influence perception has on the relationship they build with their teen. It really doesn’t matter what the parent or teen does or thinks; what counts is what the other person perceives.
Human beings do more than merely sense their world through sight, sound, touch, taste or smell. When our brain gets information from any of our senses, we “perceive” it. That is, we make some sense or meaning of it. We interpret it. We define situation and events. We draw conclusions based on what we think.
Communication between parents and teen can become difficult when interpretations do not match. Since our perceptions are formed based on our past experiences, parents and teens come from very different backgrounds. If we interpret fairly similar meanings of a situation, we are likely to respond appropriately. However, if we are incorrect about the intention, our response may lead to conflict. An important step for parents in checking an interpretation with a teen is to ask some basic questions:
“Do you mean……………….?”
“Are you saying………………?”
“Are you feeling……………..?”
Checking out your interpretation before responding or acting takes only a few minutes, but could make a difference by avoiding a mistaken message.
Our perception or definition of a problem affects the outcomes or solutions we come up with. Sometimes we limit our options or fail to consider possible solutions because of the way we “see,” define, or describe the problem. For example, parents may be having trouble getting their teen to be responsible for mowing the lawn once a week. If they see their problem as a lazy teenager, their list of possible solutions will be limited. We all know it is impossible to change another person. Instead, parents should try to see how they are affected by their teen’s behavior. Explaining yourself this way to your teen might change the way your request for help is interpreted. Carefully defining the problem and outlining your expectations can help to clear up misinterpreted facts. Hearing your teen’s view may also lead to new perspectives.
Perceptions play a large role in any relationship. Parents and teens have such varied past experiences to draw on, that it is not unusual for things to be interpreted differently at first. With a little patience and the willingness to communicate deeper, those perceptions can make a parent/teen relationship stronger.
Pitzer, R. (1999). Positive Parenting of Teens: A Video-Based Parent Education Curriculum. St. Paul, MN: University of Minnesota Extension. (This curriculum is no longer available.)
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