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Information for Parents and Caregivers of Teens

Conflict Between Parents and Teens– It’s Normal!

Marie Lee-Rude, Regional Extension Educator

It seems conflict is a daily parenting challenge in teen/parent relationships. Sometimes it feels as if conflict happens overnight. One morning your outgoing, happy 12 year old wakes up with an attitude. He may be sullen and withdrawn. She may suddenly argue with nearly everything you say. He may disappear into his room for days. She may question all the rules. “What has gone wrong?” you may ask yourself. The answer is nothing. Believe it or not, this is normal teenage behavior.

Why do parents and teens have so much conflict? It is not possible for anyone at any age to live together without experiencing some conflict. Even in loving families there are conflicts. Conflict occurs when:

• One person feels his or her beliefs, values, way of living, or territory are threatened.
• Here are disagreements about how to do something.
• There is not enough of something to satisfy everyone.
• Communication has broken down.

Applying these reasons for conflict to living with teens, parents need to know:

Teens no longer accept a parent’s knowledge and ideas without some questions. When your teen was younger, chances are he thought you knew the answers to all his questions! Now he has the maturity and thinking skills to come up with some of the answers himself. Remember, it is natural for a teen to question a parent’s authority. You don’t have to be in agreement all the time.

Teens have discovered their ability to question and debate. Teens have the ability to think about issues, rules and opinions from many angles and experiences. Your teenage daughter may argue just for the sake of arguing. This is a great new skill she will use throughout her life. From our children, we learn a lot about creative thinking. We also gain a new understanding of how other people think because of our debates and their very interesting questions about “why” things are done certain ways. Parents and teens can have lively discussions, understand each other much better, trust each other more and become aware of mutual problems that need to be resolved together.

Teens are trying to figure out who they are because they have had many experiences throughout their growing up years which differ from how things are in their home. Your teen will go to great lengths to distance him/herself so as to establish identity and independence which are two of the tools of healthy maturity. This means questioning the rules, beliefs, values and ways of doing things you have taught.

Remember, when your teen disagrees with you, it may really be about having a different opinion in order to be different from you. No matter what you disagree about, your teen needs to know he/she is loved.